References to "this site" and to "Eric" are to the internet web site Recovery From Mormonism, and its subscriber mailing list, operated by former Mormon missionary Eric Kettunen.

Of the people I had a hand in baptizing on my mission, I will hazard to say that virtually all of them had some gaping hole in their lives that they were desperately wanting to fill. We just happened to drop by at the right time. After baptism, and after the hole eventually got filled on its own, probably 90% of the people I baptized dropped out of church activity. But, by god, the church had their names on the membership roles.

But it was this same passion that betrayed me. My break from the church had more to do with my adherance to its ideas than out of a convenient denial of them. I began reading books like Ayn Rand, Sartre, Hesse, Potok. When I made it to college I began meeting people who were not mormon. I began my study of philosophy. More and more I grew from listening attentively to what was said at church to being impatient, frustrated, or angry at the emptiness of their ideas, or the constant need to reconcile what was spoken with what I read and more importantly, what I've studied as gospel beforehand.

The bishop told her that there is never a good reason to break up a family, and she would get no help from the church if she left. He said that if my father was beating her and sleeping around, then she just needs to try harder to please him and initiate sex more often. Luckily, my grandparents (the paternal ones, no less!) found out about the abuse and helped Mom find an apartment and gave her some money so she could get out.

It didn't stop there, though. The next Sunday after she left Dad, the bishop announced in Sacrament Meeting that my mom had abandoned her husband and "spit in the face of God" by breaking her marriage vows. It was our last week there, since we'd moved into a different ward, and the old bishop called the new one and told him that my mom shouldn't get any help from the church because of what she'd done. Luckily, the new bishop was slightly more progressive and was willing to help out on occasion as long as she made all of us show up at church every Sunday.

They then called for a church court and excommunicated me for apostasy for not turning the documentation over to them. We had dedicated our lives to the Mormon Church, always giving 150% of our time, talents, finances, and support. When we realized there were real problems with the Church, we were serving in the Manti Temple as assistant supervisors and I was also serving as a counselor in the Bishopric and my wife was serving as counselor in the Relief Society Presidency, all at the same time. We had given all we had to the Mormon Church, and just because we started questioning and had some concerns, they decided we were no longer welcome. We were treated as though we were never even a part of their organization, and ostracized without even a thank you. The Stake President gave me the opportunity of staying in the Church if I chose to, but in order to do so, I needed to repent and go back to being submissive to the leaders, and absolutely not to question authority or doctrine. We were tired of not being able to study and then discuss and ask questions.

If your business failed, they'd say that you needed "some growth" and "will learn something from it".

But because you weren't paying tithing it is SO easy to find fault.

I joined the church 20 years ago and have struggled for all those 20 years. I finally threw my hands in the air last year and decided to stop all the usual "things": tithing, prayer, scripture study, fasting, etc.

Guess what? Nothing changed except that I'm 10% richer! No lightning bolts. The earth didn't open up and swallow me. I'm fine. And I'm happier.

Tithing opening the windows of heaven is a load of malarky.

You CAN be a "good" person and not be LDS.

You CAN have a good relationship with your family if you're not LDS.

Those are big ones for me. I assumed, growing up, that every person who wasn't LDS was automatically a smoker and a drinker, lived in a dysfunctional house, and was just a Bad Person in general. I thought they were all miserable but most of them probably didn't know why.

Well, since I moved here to Louisiana, people still seem happy to me! What a shock! And my boyfriend's family is much closer and a lot LESS dysfunctional than mine! Double shock! I thought they would be wallowing in misery, but they are not. And they are Good People. I thought only Mormons were Good People. Phew, knock me over with a feather.

One of the main reasons I began to doubt the church was that the leaders were always so strict, firm, and self-righteous. I never actually thought that the apostles were actually in on some kind of scam, or that they were deliberately lying to me; however I was definitely afraid of them, and I was deeply afraid of the God they claimed to communicate with. I decided that I wouldn't worship, or be under the authority of, any being that had to gain my respect and devotion through fear tactics.

The best decision I've ever made.

The main reason I left was that I couldn't imagine leading my five strong daughters deeply into it at today's level of information. Most of them thank me for liberating them from it. And, certainly, it's much more difficult to sustain than before, given the current easy availability of debunking information, especially on the internet.

I know the experience of 'hitting bottom' since I've done it a few times. (wry grin) I reach a point where I am willing to do 'whatever it takes' to stop the hurting. That's what I did when I left that church. I was willing to forfeit my hope of eternal salvation to stop hurting. I hated myself as a Mormon. I was very depressed. I constantly expected more of myself than was humanly possible to achieve, and thought I was righteous for expecting those things of myself. I tried for many years to squeeze myself into Molly's glass slippers, and they just kept slipping off.

I grew to hate the lack of diversity in that church. I grew to hate the lack of appreciation for individuality, both in personal growth and backgrounds. I grew to hate the lack of depth surrounding me, hidden behind pious Pharisees. I grew to hate the control and manipulation that started at the highest levels of that church and filtered down to my own ward and even my family at times. I hated that I learned to internalize my own damnation.

But I must say one thing: those same things are found in other places and not just that church. My father was an alcoholic and I learned a lot of those same behaviors in my family. I learned perfectionism, not to question 'authority,' not to trust myself or other people, not to believe in myself and my capabilities, how to wear a Happy Mask, how to bury my feelings until I didn't feel anything any more... and the list goes on. That church felt very familiar to me, just like home.

If I had stayed in that church I honestly believe I would have died. Oh, I would have existed another few decades, but the part of me that is Me wouldn't have lived. I would have been living someone else's idea of what my life should be. Easier, but not living.

My Parents and siblings are all NAZI TBM and in the past it has been very difficult for me to spend time with them. I am always held up as the bad example and am a constant recipient of "the attitude". In spite of the fact that I am completely self sufficient, well educated, a great cook, and a helluva lot of fun to hang out with, I find some members of my family seem to be almost offended by my mere presence. The church not only allows them to treat me this way, it seems to require they treat me this way. I guess it comes with the conflict of not being able to associate with apostates. Frankly, I am always surprised when I, my husband and children are invited to family get togethers. I suppose even if they don't want to be around us, they feel they can use the opportunity for missionary work.

Just the thought of IMNSHO, has given me the confidence and permission to field their subtle attacks. In the past I would just hang my head and agree with them. Now, I can respond with my opinion. I have realized that I have that right as a family member and human being. I have also realized that there is nothing I can possibly do to make them think less of me than they already do as an apostate. It really can't get worse. There is a lot of freedom in that.

He was shocked, he hadn't even realized I had left a year prior. He said, "You!? The molliest mormon I've ever known?!" For four hours I validated his feelings. He said he had hope for the first time in over a year. He is a brave, terrific kid. And now he just finalized on having his name removed. (I've been trying for a year to get mine removed - from start to end he had it done in 30 days.) Guess where he is going at the end of this month when he graduates from high school? .... not a mission ... to Germany to back pack with friends and just have fun! Someone was watching out for my brother, since I was "prompted" to call him at 11 p.m. on a school night -- a prompting that saved his life. Remember the mormon lie? God/HigherPower doesn't help us after we leave the true church ... I mean the cult.

A missionary is shot from the role of normal teenager with a borrowed testimony to instant "expert" in the field of salvation. You wear the label, everyone tells you how great you are, you subtly satisfy you ego with your role, you're convinced that the most powerful being in the Universe is on your side. Girls flock to you as never before, you gain experience, learn skills, and you acquire some genuinely good traits along the way. It's almost impossible for a missionary not to become TBM. As a pre-mission teenager, very few delve into any information that is not sanctioned by the church, so you usually arrive at the church's conclusion. During the mission you're basically going through a heavy course in indoctrination far from family and friends. Immediately after the mission, you're the pride of the family. Very few have the courage and personality to question ever again.

From there, barely more than a year ago, the dam burst. I now have a sizable library, that which TBMs like to label "anti- mormon", but it's well-researched, referenced stuff, and no one's been able to refute it.

It's hard for me... Not leaving the church, that's easy enough. I can't stand to have my name associated with a fraud, and I now KNOW, in the true meaning of that word, that the LDS church is a fraud. But dang it, I gave my entire adult life to this fraud, I gave it my heart, might, mind, and soul, only to find I was living a lie. The depths of anger I continue to experience every time I think about a new aspect of that lie keeps surprising me. I've never been so mad at anything in my entire life.

I wasn't a member of the church for very long; soon after I was baptized, I realized that I had made a mistake. But emotionally I am having trouble dealing with the whole thing. I'm not doing very well. That's why I'm glad there is a group like this. I have made a firm break with the Mormons, even though it isn't easy. Once I had a chance to look into the doctrines of the church, I couldn't accept them. But as an investigator (which I was for quite a long time) you don't get all the details, not at all. But you get emotionally involved, and that's why I am having trouble going back to a normal life. But I hope I'll be able to do so soon.

The Mormon church is not a benign organization filled only with silly, bland, well-meaning people. It is a powerful, living organism designed to fend for its continued existence by any means possible. Lies, guilt, brainwashing, enmeshment, extreme co-dependency, public humiliation, threats of eternal damnation are among its prods and whips. The most converted members pry, threaten, and meddle extremely and with feelings of total impunity in the private and personal affairs of their family members, friends, ward, or stake members. Lack of respect for the individual member is completely and totally lacking in any aspect of Mormonism or in the Mormon church.

Yes, I have left. Yes, I want people to know I have 'moved on' and have 'healed many of my issues' from 40 years a Mormon. And yet, I desire to keep speaking strongly the truth of my time there; the truth of my Mormon life of fear, guilt, confusion, blind obedience, pain, worry, deep shame, and insecurity. Most of all I desire to express what I feel to be the most damning legacy of Mormonism to me which was the snatching away of my own divine, inner power of self guidance. In its place I was issued a church concocted, electroplated, liahona, made of cobbled together teachings, historical fiction, and the opinions of men mingled with scripture. This theft of self compass through relentless, expertly crafted brainwashing teachings from infancy onward kept me rudderless and relying on church 'inspired' guidance until I was nearly forty. These ten years post-Mormon have been outright grunt work hiding out in bunkers of inner self searching; scaling dizzying cliffs of despair and low self- esteem; and shuddering in blasts of scathing resentment and bitterness from former Mormon friends and loved ones.

Oh yes! I am chipping off the Mormon crust from my life and moving on! But I am still wanting to shine a spotlight of reminder on what happens to an individual recruited as the drone, either through birth or conversion, in service to power hungry and toxic religion.

But you know, a funny thing happened; I moved in with various LDS families so that the gospel could be taught to me first hand, and the abuse and pornography and lies continued. When I would approach a bishop for help in overcoming this and past abuse, I've had some pretty intense counsel, such as: how old were you when you were raped the first time? (I was 8) Well, then, because you were at the age of accountability, you are morally responsible for it; and also, you could have chosen to kill yourself instead of being raped. Or, this is your cross to bear, you chose it in the pre-existence, so deal with it! Or, smile and endure to the end, even though priesthood abuse just kept coming, they doubted me, not them.

I am a very good abused child, teenager, woman, Mormon woman. I can do that all so well, endure to the end, keep serving, keep smiling, serve, serve, serve, because you'll have it all in the end!

The problem is that after learning about Joseph Smith marrying other women, and coming on to young teenagers, I felt nauseated, deceived by the leaders of today's church. In fact, I never left an abusive home - I joined another one with millions of members! I am now being treated twice a week for post traumatic stress disorder, and let me tell you, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, and I am so glad that I've found all of you exmormons! I was married in the temple, I've had seven callings at one time; I joined 25 years ago and have seen many people go through hell. I am glad to be working through this.

I could bless the sacrament as a priest with the best of them too. I took that duty seriously. I memorized the prayers and rehearsed them while at home. Several people came up to me and told me how the spirit had touched them during those prayers. Damn, I was good.

How funny it is to look back on it all now. To see how full of shit it is. But also to see how real it can be to the people who live it every day. To see it permeate their lives. I was golfing last Friday with a guy who took it seriously. Both his golf and his Savior. He prayed before he began playing. With the first hole I could tell it was going to be a long day. He hit it down the fairway, a nice shot in my book, and what did he say? "Good thing I paid my tithing." Which might have been funny if he hadn't been so damn serious. My ball also went down the fairway and I was able to say... "Good thing I worship Satan."

I spent way too much time on my mission trying to convince other people that they weren't really happy, that they'd only know true happiness if they let me baptize them. Fortunately, most of them were wiser than I was then. But man, I look back and think of what a jerk I was, presuming that I knew all these people weren't happy, and that I had the only thing that could possibly change it for them.

Indeed, when I left the church, that was one of the main things my wife watched for, expecting me to become a miserable, unhappy creature. When it didn't happen, that's when she began her own quest, leading her out of the church, too.

Yesterday I told my sister that I get so angry with the church's rhetoric about "family first." I have always found the priority to be church, ward, family and finally God. I was a wreck by the end of the conversation so I don't recall it all. A lot came out, who knows what will happen next. She will either attempt to be a part of my life or she won't. If not, I think I will walk away. This time it will be her choice, not mine. I refuse to be the only one trying, it's too painful. The church forces people to choose the organization over their families. That in itself should prove how false it is. But I would still take all the floundering, depression and loneliness I felt over the years to returning to the crap that is the morg.

I moved so far away partly because it is less lonely to be among strangers than to be around people who you expect love from and get nothing.

I am still in the process of freeing myself, after fourteen years as a member and almost a year of trying to get free. I suppose the process will take a long time, maybe even years, and maybe as long as I live. Still, I can feel that I am growing tremendously in the process. Nowadays I think much more critically and analytically than I did before starting this process of liberation. The quality of my life has improved, since I have taken over for myself the control of my thoughts and acts and no longer permit myself to be supervised and led by the church.

For more detailed stories from former Mormons about their leaving Mormonism, go to the Recovery From Mormonism site.

Comments: packham@teleport.com

©  2001 Richard Packham    Permission granted to reproduce for non-commercial purposes, provided text is not changed and this copyright notice is included