References to "this site" and to "Eric" are to the internet web site Recovery From Mormonism, and its subscriber mailing list, operated by former Mormon missionary Eric Kettunen.

Also frustrating is the fact that I know the gospel so well. I read and reread the approved list of books. I've been through the scriptures so many times, I've lost count. But just like the temple, every time I went through again I merely reinforced the 'truths' I had. I never questioned outside the accepted parameters. More time wasted!

I have heard it said that the best things in life don't come easy. I have to just keep believing that the best in life is still ahead, and that there is much to look forward to in our future without the church! Because leaving the church, and standing up for our beliefs, (or non-beliefs) is certainly the hardest thing that I have ever done. But the peace of mind, and integrity of soul that I have found is ever worth it.

Geez.

Either way it's sad. I wonder how many special people came my way that I never met.

I also started to think about my life and how sheltered I was from everything in life, not just friends, because of the church's influence. They let you peek at the world but know that you do not TOUCH it... Reminds me of pulling back the kitchen curtain a tiny bit to look outside but knowing you will never go out there.. And the thing that is so CRAZY is that when I would peek it would look so "inviting" to me at times that I wondered a little what I was missing but quickly called myself to repentance because I was entertaining thoughts spurred on by SATAN himself, or so I thought.

Now I look back and believe that it was just the opposite. I believe God was saying.. "Shirley, I have a whole world I created for you to experience out there... let go of that tiny, tiny box you have put me in."

I wonder what my life would have been like... if I would have married someone and had a family. I joined the church at 17 and left at age 30... was engaged 6 times but I was so SCARED to death that I had not met the ONE, and was sure I had told someone in the pre-existence that I would wait for them (too much late nite Saturday's Warriors) that I backed out each time and never got married...

The church robbed me of a normal life... being able to explore myself and this world in the way I probably would have if I had not had all those restrictions.. I would have probably chosen a completely different career path and would have followed a lot of dreams that I gave up at baptism...

Well.. can't go back and undo choices made along the way and I am grateful today that I am out, whether it took over a third of my life to get out or not.. I am glad I'm not still there... I have a lot of life left to explore and enjoy.. and I really do enjoy life. I have a miriad of friends who range from the most decent of heathens to a few people I truly consider spiritual mentors and in-between are even a few die-hard, fundamentalist SOUTHERN BAPTISTS...(laugh!)

Before I left the Church, my wife told me if I left, she would divorce me. Well, I took a deep breath and left--and she did, too, a few months later after she remembered that her good Mormon father sexually abused her. So, I am out of the Church, she is out, and we are dealing with the effects of child sexual abuse, not to mention my own issues of physical abuse. We are dealing with this and don't have the slightest idea of who one another are because we spent ten years in the Church dealing with each other through our roles. I'm not saying the Church is responsible for our problems, but living in the Church made it much harder to develop intimacy and trust. It is awful when you can't trust your spouse because he or she is having an affair with the Church.

Leaving has been such a relief. No patriarchal image to uphold. No pressure to be perfect. Maybe I can have a partner someday without worrying how I am scoring on her worthiness scale. If I hate the Church system for anything, it is that. The reinforcement by the system to constantly scrutinize and judge my worthiness and recruiting the person I wanted to be closest to into doing the same. I hate that with everything I am. What is sad about it, too, is this judging and upholding the Church standard is one of the few avenues of power for a woman in the Church. The Church encourages the women to withhold sex and love if a man doesn't prove worthy, in essence making her sexuality a commodity in the Mormon system. A woman cannot love a man and bring him into her desire and sexuality unless he pays to the Mormon system. She essentially works for them. At least that is how I see it.

I directed stake plays at the same time ( I was 22). For years I steamed on full of fire and righteousness (so-called)-----then one day years later--I realized that somewhere "I" had been omitted. I fell to the earth with a thud. Why was I running so hard and so fast only to come home and sink to the floor in bitter tears?? Talk about lost youth. I had the weight of the world and the world beyond on my young shoulders---when I should have been enjoying my young vibrant needs. I never paid any attention to my needs--- and neither did anyone else. So---one day I just stayed home. I pulled out some old church books and read them all.....I didn't need any anti-mormon literature to tell me that I was a pack mule for an ever-changing story called "the only true church."

I studied and cried and studied and cried for a year. No one asked why. I tried to tell them anyway---no one would hear me. So that started my days of isolation. I knew it wasn't true. Logic and a gut pounding told me it wasn't. I had a period of time when I would try to go back---I would sit on the bench and someone would start speaking in hushed tones that Joseph Smith did most for mankind, save Jesus Christ himself---and I physically began to shake. (Not to mention what he did to womankind). I knew he was a charlatan who slept with ( I deleted my first choice word) most of Emma's friends in the relief society and other men's wives and daughters....I knew the others "in the know" were in an unholy collusion with him. Here I was, a totally neglected young wife----and Joseph Smith was in a constant sex fest....Among many other things, I could not balance my shame with his lack of shame any more. I had to go. And no amount of cute primary songs and pot luck dinners ever had the power to make me want to go back.

Peace to all of you--I wish you freedom and happiness! Thanks for making this a public forum where you can give others hope.

I just don't want to have happen to you what happened to me...

I got on the treadmill again..

Before I knew it I was paying my children's college money out in tithing... spending hours on Sunday in tedious boredom... Putting up with keeping my critical thinking at the door when I entered..

And most of all...finding myself in an interview to get my temple 'ticket' and having to kowtow by professing my unwavering testimony of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon and Brigham Young....

and asking myself...."HOW IN THE HELL DID I GET HERE??"

One of these days I am going to pull the mission handbook out (it was a 3- ring binder about an inch think full of all kinds of guidelines "above and beyond" those in that white handbook) and post some of its suggestions of ways of getting people to listen to us. Some of them were, in my opinion, completely unethical and/or dishonest.

Now, in spite of my distaste for missionary work, I will give credit where credit is due. Had I come home early, I would not be the person I am today. Don't get me wrong. I despise the missionary program. I personally believe its stated goal of obtaining converts is actually secondary to taking young, naive men (I don't mean to ignore the women, but the missionary program *really* is about men), and turning them into future church *leaders*. In my case, the church's plan sort of backfired. I was able to use the same strength I used in the mission field to "stick it out" to begin my quest to understand what Mormonism is really about. Had I not gone on a mission and seen the church from the inside, I suspect I would still be a mindless, non- questioning mormon robot.

I have never been so hurt and shocked to find that it was the people that I considered to be my close friends that called and "turned me in" to the bishop because they "care so much for me and my salvation" they "did it out of love for me."

I am now not really paranoid, but very wary of these people. My family say they love me too, yet some have banished me from their lives and call me the enemy. Some think that I have a problem and will come to my senses.

1. It must be because you can't find a nice mormon boy.
2. You are choosing sex over our eternal family so that means if you do this you don't love us.
3. You are a bad influence over your siblings so maybe we won't let you talk to them any more.
4. We should have seen this coming since you have always tended to date non-member (aka interesting, in my mind) men.
5. You must be pregnant.
6. Uncontrollable tears.
7. Your mother and I agree on everything so if I don't like it, we don't like it.

By the way, my dad is a Bishop, so I also understand the feeling of "I want to talk to my dad, not an agent of the church" but I think that they have sort of merged into the same thing...sigh...

Of course, the abuse continued.

In 1994, after a particularly rough year financially and emotionally, my husband's abuse escalated to the point to where not only was he abusing me, but we was abusing the children as well. There was one incident that was particilarly horrible, where he hit our oldest son, knocking out a tooth in the process. I called the police and pressed charges. It's sad that it took this kind of abuse for me to finally take action, but seeing my son hurt like that really shook me up.

After the police had been called, and charges had been filed, I called my bishop to tell him what had happened. His response astounded me! He said, and I quote, "You totally overreacted here, Sister G[....]! You should have handled this through the church, not the police. I can promise you that if you don't drop the charges and let your husband back in the home, your life will be hell".

My life WILL be hell? Didn't he understand that my life had BEEN hell, and my children's lives had been hell?

Well, I didn't drop the charges. I did try for a few more years to make my marriage work. The incredible thing is, the abuse ended after I pressed charges. Throughout the whole incident in Colorado, my husband was NEVER chastised by the bishop for his behavior. I however, was released from my calling. How's that for making me feel valued as a woman??

I've been thinking about it and I am really beginning to think that my experience with Mormonism was really not about believing in God. Not really. I think God was something to talk about and almost came secondary. More? I am thinking that Mormonism is about fitting in to a way of living. A way of living which is defined by a group of 'believers'. Who, in actuality, are successful businessmen who are running a successful corporation. I feel pretty sure this is not an original thought, but I am just barely catching on to it. I think my previous brain could not get around it, but I think I am finally catching on.

It is painful -- everyday I wake up with the thoughts of how the church and this particular family have ruined my life -- then I realize that I volunteered. People ask me why I have a personal crusade to defame the church and this is why -- it is my duty as a human to keep others from screwing up their lives -- to make sure they think for themselves and not become part of the collective. . .

At the time when I was in charge of a mission branch and made a point of visiting all the members, I got to know a married couple who were especially poor. Since I was the branch president, I was able to help needy members at my own discretion from the money collected as fast offerings. I was very happy to be able to do that. However, anything that wasn't used each month had to be sent on [to headquarters]. Later I was asked by the mission president who it was that I had helped with that money. It turned out that this couple had not ever paid tithing. The mission president informed me that the church cannot give aid to the whole world. Only those members who regularly pay their tithing should receive assistance.

Living in Utah was the most UNREAL experience of my life. I talked to people on the internet that lived in Utah BEFORE we moved there, and they *warned* me about it, but I just didn't get it. All they would say is "It's just weird". That's how I talk about it now, it's hard to find the right words for the place. It brings to mind a good science fiction novel....or another version of "1984." A mass experiment in brainwashing, and start with the kids, so they never know any different. It's so disturbing to me, and I was never a part of it.

It is useful to be aware that we all try to fit into life somehow, to make sense of it. Mormonism attacks our ability to be self-reflective and to reflect upon the world for ourselves. The LDS church not only represses its members but it teaches them to repress themselves. Joseph Smith's statement, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves," takes on a sinister meaning with the current church. One of the great discoveries of my life has been that we do not need all the teachings and ideas and forms of control that Mormonism and others try to push on us.

What we do need is the ability to pay attention to how things work and to understand that skilled thinking and behavior usually leads to outcomes we intend and want and unskilled thinking and behaviors usually lead to outcomes we do not intend and want. There is no great need for prophets, but there is need to pay attention--and to pay attention to the things that will get us what we want. Mormonism, among other things, is a big distraction. When I finally got to the point of asking myself if I was really getting what I wanted from my church membership--not in the big grand "Plan of Salvation" but in my day-to-day life--I had to answer no. Having done the best I could at being Mormon for many years, I accepted that maybe it was just time to change, not try harder to do more of what wasn't working.

I guess the experience is wasted on me. I am always hearing comments like "we are so fortunate to be in this ward", and the bishop said a while ago "I have to pinch myself when I realize I am really in this ward!" My bad attitude :-) makes it even difficult to stomach this ward. We meet in the Joseph Smith Memorial building, which feels more like the Bank of America rather than a church. But the building is an asset to the city and it's also nice after the meetings (which I only attend when my husband drags me there) to walk out among the beautiful flowers and waterfalls. But then my bad attitude sets in again and I start thinking of all the tithing money that funded all of those magnificent flowers. Then I start thinking about the people who went without in the slums of Boston or Africa so we can enjoy their money here in Salt Lake City. I remember in my branch in Boston people who would give up food to pay their tithing. And then I look at the flowers and they don't seem quite so nice.

I "received" the Aaronic Priesthood at 12, and don't remember much about it, probably wasn't paying much attention. After that, the thing I remember most is not being able to spend as much time with Dad as I wanted to because we were always being hauled away to some church function. Three times each Sunday, family home evenings, home teachers, all that stuff.

At the age of 15, I started developing other interests, primarily girls, and my passion to this day, fishing. Growing up in Boulder presented me with some prime-time fly-fishing. My best friend, a non-mormon, and I found a fishing mentor who taught us how to tie flies and fish. One particular August evening, we planned to spend the night tying new flies for a fishing outing the next day. Everything was working in our favor...weather, time of year, hatch, etc. One problem though, it was Tuesday night, and that meant attending the youth group (was it called Mutual?) at the church. Since I had been to church three times the previous Sunday and had home teachers visit on Monday, I felt there was enough church in my life for the past two days and promptly informed my mother that I'd be skipping church and would be at my friends house preparing for our fishing excursion. So, mom makes a bad decision and calls her father. My Grandpa was the epitome of a "Jack", do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do, LDS Elder. He was mean as a snake all of his life, a bitter, bigoted, prejudiced man. He calls me at my friend's house and tells me to get my butt to church. No, thanks, Grandpa, I'm tying flies. Unacceptable. "Get your butt back to the house, I'll be there in 10 minutes". So, back to the house I go and in walks Grandpa. Upon hearing and learning of my determination not to attend church that evening for the 5th time in 3 days, he takes off his belt and beats me. For a good 15 minutes this maniac is swinging his belt at me like he's Babe Ruth on crystal methamphetamine. I dodged a good bit of it, but some of it I had to take. Mom still to this day is in serious denial about the whole episode, saying that she doesn't even remember being in the house while her father was beating her son. It just doesn't fit in too tidily with her version of "history", much like how the church deals with those sticky little problems in Joe Smith's life.

Ain't life great when you leave the church? I know there are many bumps and bruises along the way, but I wouldn't trade those for the richer quality of life, and the variety and genuine relationships.

Those were the thoughts that went through my head before I left the church. The big step for me was realizing *gulp* that there was nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with the church. That is when I knew that I would live if I left.

I could write a book about the anger I feel for the pomposity that has invaded my marriage bed over the past 27 years. The garments for starters. The insistance that sex be with single purpose in mind..... Endless church callings which drain bodies physically and spiritually. I'm just very grateful that our marriage is coming through the muck without being entirely destroyed before it ever got a chance to play itself through...

Unfortunately, I have recently completed a rather intensive study of church history and doctrine and find that the church I thought I was a member of is nothing like the one I read about! Will the real LDS church please stand up!!

It has been difficult these last 6 months coming out of Sangrila and into the real world, but once you see the emporer has no clothes, it is dam near impossible to pretend he is in fact wearing clothes no matter how many people testify that he is!

One day I woke up and admitted to myself that I did not have a testimony. I had fasted and prayed time and time again to no avail. I wanted to believe with all my heart. I shed many tears and begged the Lord to speak to my heart. He was silent.

Now I am an ex-mormon. For the first time in my life I am truly happy.

I really was surprised by how much anger I felt. I was angry all over again that I'd ever joined, angry that I spent too many years in it, angry that I didn't leave when I first knew it wasn't true, angry for putting myself through the hoops, angry that I felt cheated and lied to, angry that I was chastised when I asked honest questions, angry that I gave them the power to control me, angry about the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced from the Church.

The biggest outrage is when they "advise" families to divorce if one parent becomes apostate. This is disgusting. It's more than just counseling, it is meddling. Often just telling members with serious problems to "read the Book of Mormon and pray," or telling abused women to "try harder" and "seek the counsel of their husband" (the abuser).

These "church" therapists don't know when to let go and turn the problem over to a professional. They are afraid to admit "failure" and the basic rule that only mormons can help mormons. They seem to believe that any money that mormons pay to "non-mormons" for services is "bleeding" the church.

The church also seems to believe that by joining (and tithing), you have bought a ticket to the Celestial Kingdom. They then feel responsible to see that you get there, or at least NOT blame the church for not making it. You have actually "sold your soul" to the LDS Prophet in exchange for eternal life, your own planet, Celestial polygamy, yadda yadda yadda.

Seriously, when I found the web site, by accident of course, I wasn't thinking I would ever leave the church. I simply wanted to increase my testimony. By typing the word "Mormon" into a search engine, my life was forever changed! I can't say it's all been easy and painless, but I wouldn't trade the pain for anything in the world! The freedom and happiness I have now, far surpasses anything I ever imagined I could have as a Mormon.

The most wonderful change in my life since leaving, has been that I really try to MAKE myself enjoy life everyday. Since developing this attitude, I have also been able to go off of my anti-depressants, and for the most part, be depression free. I also notice all the little things in my life, and no longer feel superior to my fellow human beings.