Harold O. (Lanny) Monson; An Empathy Exercise, and Some Comments
 _______________________________________________________________
 |
 |  http://post-mormons.com/empathy.htm
 |
 |
 |  An Empathy Exercise, and Some Comments
 |
 |  Lanny Monson
 |
 |  Imagine with me that you are a devout member of the LDS
 |  church. You're in a leadership position in the ward and have
 |  the missionary opportunity to work hard with a brother,
 |  bringing him back into activity. He's someone who is a good
 |  friend to many of your leaders and you gain a lot of
 |  recognition by helping him find the church again. You resist
 |  that of course, trying instead to focus on the missionary
 |  work and your hopes for his salvation. As his inactivity
 |  fades, he is called into priesthood callings, and eventually
 |  sealed to his wife in the temple.
 |
 |  Now set that exciting and successful effort to one side and
 |  imagine one of your beautiful daughters at age 8, innocent
 |  and sweet (of course she's a normal child, with her
 |  struggles and the particular challenges she poses to you as
 |  a parent, but if you step back from that looking at the
 |  bigger picture, she's really a good kid). Imagine that this
 |  long-inactive man is assigned to your home as your home
 |  teacher. You notice that he likes to pull your girls onto
 |  his lap where he gives them candy. He seems like a nice old
 |  man, very gentle.
 |
 |  Imagine that during this time, totally out of your
 |  awareness, this newly activated brother catches your
 |  daughter alone. He takes her to a lonely place. He's big and
 |  gruff with her, scaring her. He tells her to take her
 |  clothes off and then kisses her and touches her in sacred
 |  places, defiling her in her own eyes. When he's done he
 |  threatens your daughter to never tell. Having been taught to
 |  be obedient to the priesthood, she complies.
 |
 |  Years later as your daughter begins developing into a woman
 |  she becomes unusually moody and depressed. You love her. You
 |  try to talk to her. It's as though she hates you, wants
 |  nothing to do with you (you are a man, also an active
 |  priesthood holder, you should have protected her, but she
 |  doesn't know how to put any of this into words. She only
 |  knows she hates herself and her womanhood. She decides she's
 |  a lesbian and will never marry, but that goes against
 |  everything that has meaning in her limited world. She's a
 |  good kid. She had God torn away from her when He did not
 |  protect her. Where does she turn? What can she do?).
 |
 |  One morning when she doesn't go to school and you see her
 |  light on under her door, you go gently, knowing that things
 |  are rough for her right now. You knock, call her name. She
 |  doesn't answer.
 |
 |  You turn the handle. You open the door, calling her name one
 |  more time (the very last time). It isn't just her room you
 |  are entering. You are also entering a darkness, that after
 |  the shock and horror wears off, will engulf you for many
 |  years. You will not be able to sleep easily any more. Life
 |  will not seem worth living for a time. There is an enigma:
 |  you feel like lying down and staring at the wall, yet you
 |  have the responsibility of other children, business, career
 |  and all the obligations connected to these. Although it is
 |  more than you can reasonably bear, if you can step back into
 |  the harness, it will also be your salvation. Doing, not
 |  Being.
 |
 |  Satan has you in his cruel grasp of helplessness. You try to
 |  rebel against a reality you cannot accept. Until you do, the
 |  only peace you feel is for a moment, after waking (as the
 |  healing of time passes, one of those ever-more frequent
 |  moments when you sleep dreamlessly). Because you don't yet
 |  remember the nightmare you are living.
 |
 |  Imagine that even though it doesn't seem possible at first,
 |  you realize you're going to survive the suicide death of
 |  your daughter. Your oldest daughter who will never graduate
 |  from High School, won't get married in the temple to a fine
 |  young man, won't have children of her own, won't love you
 |  and be there to give you joy as you grow older. You find
 |  that even though it's painful, it also is helpful to talk to
 |  friends, even old ones from your Ward down in Provo where
 |  your daughter was molested so many years ago. You don't know
 |  yet that this suicide is enmeshed deeply with that
 |  molestation.
 |
 |  As you talk, imagine your astonishment to find that other
 |  friends who were in the Provo ward with you at that time had
 |  daughters who were also molested by this man. What if you
 |  found out that your Stake President was aware of what this
 |  man was doing to little girls and took no action against
 |  him? In fact, having been told by the President what he was
 |  capable of, your Bishop assigned him to home teach in your
 |  home, with your young daughters, without giving you a hint
 |  about this dark side of him?
 |
 |  Let's assume that even before you knew about the molestation
 |  perpetrated by this evil man, that you had been interested
 |  in why some young people were being sexually molested in the
 |  Church. You got involved in volunteer work and as other
 |  members found that you were sympathetic, they began to
 |  confide in you about situations you found difficult to
 |  believe at first. You began to learn that this sort of
 |  protective nonsense was going on consistently throughout the
 |  church.
 |
 |  After the death of your daughter, time passes and you
 |  realize something must be done about this. You try to
 |  contact the brethren and talk to them about these problems
 |  assuming they just aren't aware. In response to your
 |  heart-broken letters, they either ignore you or send you
 |  form letters that have no relationship to your questions and
 |  comments. You become aware that instead of a lack of
 |  awareness, what the leaders from the head of the church down
 |  to the local level suffer from appears to be arrogance. They
 |  want to be unquestioned. Their arrogance allows them to
 |  decide for you and the other members what is best, without
 |  telling you important things that might help you come to
 |  your own independent conclusion.
 |
 |  You decide that the brethren need to start learning to take
 |  some responsibility for the consequences of the illicit
 |  power they give to men they know are too weak to handle it.
 |  (See section 121) After many one-sided efforts to
 |  communicate, you realize the church is protecting abusive
 |  persons, not intentionally, but out of the ignorance
 |  nurtured by their arrogance.
 |
 |  Obviously this exercise is real. Tragically, it not only
 |  happened to me, but in various diverse ways has happened,
 |  and is currently happening to many other people in the
 |  church. If you are devout in the church, it could happen to
 |  you.
 |
 |  As you participated in the exercise with me, how did you
 |  feel? Did you feel protected by the leadership? Did you feel
 |  they had the best interests of your daughter in mind? Did
 |  you feel like they cared about you as a spiritually
 |  vulnerable human being caught in a horrible circumstance
 |  where something very wrong had happened under their watch?
 |
 |  In a microcosm of what is happening in the greater church,
 |  over the years since my daughter's death, I slowly learned
 |  about all the secrets kept faithfully by those who created
 |  an environment that made it easy for a child molester to
 |  have access to my daughter.
 |
 |  I know the church doesn't want people to believe that it has
 |  any responsibility whatsoever for the high levels of abuse
 |  and suicide among church members. In contrast, I believe it
 |  needs to take full responsibility for encouraging attitudes
 |  that create an environment ripe for domination and
 |  subjugation, where abuse is likely to occur. I resisted
 |  believing that for many years despite growing evidence of
 |  it. At first, it seemed to me that one would have to condemn
 |  the church as a totally evil organization if one were to
 |  accept the truth of these cover-ups and artificial
 |  environments where abuse thrives.
 |
 |  I realize now that the leaders of the LDS church are
 |  generally "good" men, who have fooled themselves into
 |  thinking they have more inspiration than the members. The
 |  normal give-and-take of a healthy Christ-like relationship
 |  is based on equality, unconditional love, openness and
 |  willingness to consider criticism, just like Peter took it
 |  from Paul. But the brethren apparently think they need not
 |  allow persons like me to explain to them why the death of my
 |  daughter was unnecessary. Because they have the delusion
 |  that whatever they say and do (or don't do) is God's will,
 |  they inadvertently offend our little ones and consent to the
 |  death and abuse of thousands of victims in the church, child
 |  and adult alike.
 |
 |  That seems evil, I admit, but it is based in ignorance and
 |  can be resolved if they can be made to learn. Christ talked
 |  about how difficult it is to teach the arrogant, and in fact
 |  they killed Him for trying. Still, when Christ was teaching
 |  the people, he told them their righteousness had to exceed
 |  that of the Pharisees and Scribes. That implies there was
 |  good among these arrogant individuals, and it is no
 |  different when considering the brethren and what is done
 |  generally in the church. Good things happen there. Many
 |  people who need direction are helped by the church.
 |
 |  However, some people are hurt by their lack of empathy. I
 |  wish they would humbly read the story above.
 |
 |  It reminds me of my last temple recommend interview less
 |  than a year after the death of my daughter. I had rejected
 |  home teaching because of how dangerous it now seemed to me.
 |  I had already gotten the consent of the bishop for the
 |  recommend, and now I sat before the Stake Presidency. This
 |  man condescendingly asked "an extra" temple recommend
 |  question of all the saints who came to beg him for admission
 |  to the temple. It was, "Are you a faithful home teacher." I
 |  told him I wasn't. He was shocked and asked me why. I told
 |  him because of the artificial trust required in the home
 |  teaching relationship, my daughter had been molested and
 |  ultimately had committed suicide, very recently. He paused,
 |  mouth open. I waited, assuming he would feel compassion and
 |  concern. Instead, he said something like, "The home teaching
 |  program of the church is a wonderful instrument of God. You
 |  need to look at the big picture. Don't let an insignificant
 |  problem like this deter your faithfulness."
 |
 |  He had no empathy. It is my prayer, that these comments
 |  instill in you the compassion needed to believe the
 |  unnecessary death of any child is significant.
 |
 |  handylanny@yahoo.com
 |
 |
 |  (In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this
 |  material is distributed without profit to those who have
 |  expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
 |  information for research and educational purposes.)
 |______________________________________________________________



Harold O. (Lanny) Monson; Presentation
 _______________________________________________________________
 |
 |  Harold (Lanny) Monson
 |  http://post-mormons.com/lmonson.htm
 |
 |
 |
 |  Harold O. (Lanny) Monson
 |
 |  I have a bachelor's majoring in Psychology and Minoring in
 |  Sociology from Brigham Young University (1975). I Ran my own
 |  business in home repairs, "Lanny's Handyman Service" for 20
 |  years. During that time I was in 4 bishoprics, a high
 |  council and acted as Scoutmaster, Young men's president,
 |  Gospel Doctrine teacher, High Priest's instructor, Temple
 |  Preparation class instructor and many others. I also taught
 |  by invitation at BYU Education week off and on for 15 years
 |  in self-sufficiency (simple home repairs instruction).
 |
 |  In the 1980's, went through inservice training to become a
 |  paraprofessional with the Provo, Women and Children in
 |  Crisis center where I worked with family members of rape
 |  victims helping them learn how to assist the victim regain
 |  her sense of personal control.
 |
 |  Beginning in the early 1980's, after a scout attempted
 |  suicide after being molested by a local charismatic school
 |  teacher who was also a respected member of the LDS church, I
 |  began a letter-writing campaign to the brethren about
 |  cover-ups of sexual and physical abuse.
 |
 |  In 1989 I was awarded the "Utah Carnation Community Service
 |  Award" by the Utah State Attorney General for my efforts in
 |  volunteerism (and, I inferred from things I was told
 |  privately, for my efforts to educate the brethren in the LDS
 |  church about the dynamics of abuse).
 |
 |  In 1990, my oldest daughter committed suicide.
 |
 |  In 1991 I moved to Cache Valley and continued to run my
 |  business in Utah County part-time as I went back to School
 |  pursuing a Master's at Utah State University in Logan, Utah
 |  in Family and Human Development. Graduated in 1994.
 |
 |  I closed the business in 1996 when I went to Minnesota to
 |  restore a neat old two-story farm house on 7 acres of some
 |  of the most beautiful, isolated scenery on earth.
 |
 |  In 1997 I became Children's DayTreatment Coordinator for the
 |  Southwest Minnesota Schools working with Western Human
 |  Development Center and began a Post-Master's certificate in
 |  Marriage and Family Therapy at University of St. Mary's in
 |  Minneapolis.
 |
 |  I am currently unemployed, remodeling and repairing our neat
 |  old house. I am a volunteer for CAPSA, a local women's
 |  shelter, and I am an active volunteer member of the Hyrum
 |  Strength in Diversity Committee, which works with the Latino
 |  and Caucasian populations to improve race relations and
 |  enhance opportunities for the Spanish-speaking population
 |  and others. The first of next year I plan to return to
 |  Minneapolis to finish the certificate in Marriage and Family
 |  Therapy, get licensed and then return to my home in Hyrum in
 |  a few years.
 |
 |  handylanny@yahoo.com
 |
 |  (In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this
 |  material is distributed without profit to those who have
 |  expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
 |  information for research and educational purposes.)
 |______________________________________________________________



Harold O. (Lanny) Monson; "Post-Mormonship:" Several Perspectives
 _______________________________________________________________
 |
 |  http://post-mormons.com/postmormonship.htm
 |
 |
 |
 |  "Post-Mormonship:" Several Perspectives
 |
 |  Lanny Monson
 |
 |  (Note: These are solely the ideas of Lanny Monson based on
 |  his transcension of Mormonism and www.post-mormons.com bear
 |  no responsibility for them.
 |
 |  This article contains a few segments commenting on various
 |  issues that arose for me as I tried to transcend the LDS
 |  church. I offered them to Post-Mormons hoping they might be
 |  helpful to other persons considering similar issues as they
 |  separate themselves from the LDS church.)
 |
 |
 |  Dealing with the Crisis
 |
 |  To the devout, membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of
 |  Latter-day Saints is an all-consuming task. The church
 |  suggests in rather strong terms what you should think, when
 |  to engage in family activities, what you should be doing
 |  with your spare time and provides expectations for a myriad
 |  of roles from family relationships to the sort of underwear
 |  you ought to be wearing (and even rather specific
 |  instruction about when it's permissible to take it off). In
 |  brief (no pun intended) the church becomes life itself.
 |
 |  But then certain members become disenchanted and wish to
 |  leave. What then?
 |
 |  The metaphor of "dying" when leaving religion is rather
 |  well-incorporated into our Judeo-Christian mores. Most
 |  people are familiar with the "Fiddler on the Roof." When
 |  Tevye's daughter marries outside of the faith, she becomes
 |  dead to him. That might seem awful, but a post-mormon can
 |  experience something similar. She often becomes a Pariah,
 |  undead but cut off, left partially alive to deal with
 |  continuing hostility and even cruelty from those whom she
 |  needs most.
 |
 |  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a seminal work entitled "On
 |  Death and Dying" (1969) which discusses the profound
 |  emotional aspects of dealing with one's own imminent death.
 |  In the 1980's as I was being trained as a paraprofessional
 |  for the Provo Women and Children in Crisis center, we were
 |  taught her concepts, since individuals who suffered rape and
 |  other abuse often had similar experiences. In crisis, a
 |  sense of control is often taken away, and there is a typical
 |  reconstruction process with predictable stages as people
 |  redefine their world.
 |
 |  Since that time, some experts have taken issue with using
 |  Kubler-Ross's stages to help people in crisis, since people
 |  are so different, and the likelihood that they will go
 |  through any of the stages is uncertain. However, I found
 |  these very helpful to victims generally, since almost all of
 |  the persons I worked with ended up facing some of them and
 |  it was a relief to them to find their experiences were
 |  normal and part of the process that would eventually result
 |  in a leveling of the turbulent emotional state they found
 |  themselves in (I think it helped people avoid getting
 |  "stuck" in one of the stages, which sadly enough, is not
 |  uncommon).
 |
 |  If you're interested, I'd suggest you obtain a copy of the
 |  book, since she covers these ideas much better than I can in
 |  this brief setting. Here is a synopsis, and I put it my own
 |  words:
 |
 |
 |  Shock/Denial:
 |
 |  This stage applies more to family members, but some of these
 |  feelings may be experienced by a Post-Mormon as well. It
 |  includes feelings of numbness, and a loss of reality. The
 |  familiar world has ended. Feelings of disorganization, and
 |  that one is being scattered and tossed like a boat without
 |  an anchor prevail.
 |
 |  Devout LDS Family members of Post-Mormons are often thrown
 |  into crisis when their loved one tells them about their
 |  schism, especially if it is done angrily or abruptly.
 |  Ironically, because of the non-introspective practices in
 |  the church and the powerful denial already at work in devout
 |  members to maintain the illusions the church requires, anger
 |  or abruptness often seems to be the only way to make the
 |  shift away from the church. For example, devout family
 |  members may minimize comments or pretend that nothing has
 |  changed unless the Post-Mormon makes a pretty dramatic
 |  scene. As the attempt is made to establish independence,
 |  formidable sanctions build into the social structure of the
 |  church emerge and crisis is almost inevitable when an
 |  individual decides to question. The response of loved ones
 |  can be upsetting unless one has some understanding of the
 |  process at work.
 |
 |
 |  Anger:
 |
 |  This is often the first stage of grief experienced by a
 |  Post-Mormon. There are feelings of betrayal, hurt,
 |  victimization and often a desire to strike back and hurt the
 |  church or those in it who have "harmed" you. It can last for
 |  a few days, months or years.
 |
 |  Many Ex-Mormons get stuck here. If you do, it hurts you far
 |  more than it hurts the church. In fact, I believe that the
 |  church has a significant set of expectations around this
 |  normal response which they have reframed in ways that
 |  vindicates them and further condemns the Post-Mormon. It
 |  makes it possible for them to benefit from your anger. For
 |  example, it reinforces their belief they are persecuted and
 |  allows them to shake their heads and say, "You know, they
 |  can leave the church, but they just can't leave it alone
 |  (more about this phenomenon later)." If you look closely,
 |  you can see a little smile on their lips when they say that.
 |  It means they still have you under their control.
 |
 |  In my experience, anger is always a sign of an attempt to
 |  control or avoid being controlled. If you can learn to quit
 |  trying to change them, and let them be the way they are, not
 |  only will you gain peace, but you will take their control
 |  away from them. Ironically, if you do this properly, it is
 |  the most effectively vindictive thing you can do, and yet
 |  when you don't really gain any satisfaction from knowing
 |  that, you'll know you're getting past it.
 |
 |  Having said all that, when you get angry, don't be upset
 |  with yourself. It's very normal, even justified in most
 |  cases. Just know that after becoming aware that what has
 |  been done to you was wrong and evil, you will likely pass
 |  through this stage. But then when you've felt it thoroughly
 |  enough, move on. Only you have the right to decide when that
 |  is.
 |
 |
 |  Bargaining:
 |
 |  After the Post-Mormon gets tired of the impotence of anger,
 |  she might begin to recognize the reality of what leaving the
 |  church means in terms of damaged family relationships, loss
 |  of friends, loss of direction and feelings of guilt (let me
 |  interject here that if a relationship is damaged by leaving
 |  the church, it was codependent and probably not very healthy
 |  emotionally. Also, if you feel guilt, it is always a symptom
 |  of external-locus-of-control issues [more in other sections
 |  to follow], where your subconscious is telling you that
 |  you're being a disobedient child. In my opinion, this is
 |  always unhealthy.). It is common to begin bargaining, or
 |  saying to yourself, "If I can have things back the way they
 |  used to be, I'm willing to sacrifice myself in certain ways!
 |  This discomfort just isn't worth it."
 |
 |  As you may be aware, many persons who become disenfranchised
 |  from the church stay away for a period of months or years
 |  but then return. Of course there are many members who leave
 |  the fold because they are offended, break the rules of the
 |  church, or are just lazy. Those people are not Post-Mormons,
 |  because they still believe. When those individuals return to
 |  the church, it is merely because they've given up their
 |  over-sensitivity, decided to keep the rules or have become
 |  motivated.
 |
 |  But when a Post-Mormon returns, it's almost always because
 |  of bargaining. I believe that it's normal to go through this
 |  stage, and when you do, it's all right to respond to it by
 |  returning to the fold. But the same problems that originally
 |  troubled you will still be there waiting to annoy you. It
 |  may be better to recognize that when you begin bargaining,
 |  it's just part of the process. I would suggest that you do
 |  it, but stay true to what your heart tells you is best for
 |  you and your personal spirituality. By the way, it isn't
 |  impossible to maintain a limited activity to keep your
 |  relationships with codependent friends and family members if
 |  you have a strong enough identity. To do this, you have to
 |  be able to see some of the good that is in the church, and
 |  the ways it helps your codependent loved ones with structure
 |  and purpose.
 |
 |
 |  Depression:
 |
 |  This is the bad one. After bargaining unsuccessfully, a
 |  Post-Mormon may realize she can't have it back the way it
 |  was. Relationships she valued may be irrevocably damaged.
 |  Some or all of her spouse, children, siblings, parents and
 |  friends may have deserted her, or she them. She has left the
 |  bad parts, but the good parts of the church that she enjoyed
 |  may no longer be available to her. She may feel deep
 |  sadness, helplessness and lethargy. I won't try to describe
 |  the clinical definition of depression since most of you have
 |  a good sense of the sleeplessness, weight problems, lack of
 |  motivation, colorlessness, thoughts of worthlessness and
 |  other symptoms that accompany it.
 |
 |  This may be minimal if the Post-Mormon has support. Even if
 |  he doesn't it may be nothing more than a wistful sadness
 |  that stays for a while, like the snow of winter, but then is
 |  gone in the energy of Spring. It is important as this
 |  happens that he remembers that there are many things he
 |  cannot control. Since he's leaving the dependency of the LDS
 |  church for a much higher level of personal responsibility,
 |  it might be helpful to learn the serenity prayer: God grant
 |  me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The
 |  courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know
 |  the difference.
 |
 |  People are different. A few will have a real struggle with
 |  depression. Most of us who leave are annoyed at the
 |  arrogance we see as an integral part of the church. I
 |  believe then, we need not be ashamed to seek help,
 |  especially if thoughts of suicide tempt us to flee a life
 |  which because of a moment of despair blinds us to the
 |  limitless possibilities and opportunities awaiting us after
 |  we make our normal adjustments.
 |
 |  The world is a much better place with you. You are not
 |  alone. That's what the concept of the Post-Mormons group is
 |  all about.
 |
 |
 |  Acceptance:
 |
 |  Simple word, but a wonderful experience. You've left the
 |  church, or it has left you, it doesn't really matter. You
 |  are free. You have no need to force family members or the
 |  church to comply with your beliefs. You respect them, even
 |  if they don't respect you. You have important goals and your
 |  own mission which your heart explains to you. You feel peace
 |  and accept the concept in the Desiderata: " . . . the world
 |  is unfolding as it should . . . "
 |
 |
 |  They Can Leave the Church, but They Can't Leave it Alone
 |
 |  Why is that? LDS leaders have often used this comment in
 |  reference to former members, especially those who have
 |  confronted people around temple square, disrupted meetings
 |  and tried to engage prominent members in public debates. In
 |  fairness to the leaders, sometimes the detractors seem
 |  relentless, impassioned and almost possessed, even to
 |  unbiased observers.
 |
 |  Why do they behave this way? Are they mentally disturbed, as
 |  implied in the statement? I believe that there is a simple
 |  explanation, but it's a little difficult to comprehend if
 |  one believes in the right of one group to try to coerce
 |  another group to comply with a set of beliefs.
 |
 |  I think most of us would agree the LDS church has a right to
 |  establish doctrine. We might also agree that it is
 |  inappropriate to discourage the common membership from
 |  questioning doctrine or participating openly in requesting
 |  changes. There is a form of belief-coercion the brethren
 |  employ that concerns most of us who have separated from the
 |  church.
 |
 |  The rhetorical question that seems to rise is "How does
 |  aggressive behavior attempting to coerce the brethren to
 |  accept a differing point of view reduce belief-coercion?"
 |  The simple answer is that it doesn't. However, this answer
 |  only works well when it is applied to various "simple ideas"
 |  that have no relationship to behavior, such as whether God
 |  had actual intercourse with Mary to conceive Jesus. If a
 |  separate group which believes that sex is a carnal, human
 |  thing and God would not engage in it with a mortal begins to
 |  attempt to coerce the first group to believe differently,
 |  the two opposing groups form a coalition which accomplishes
 |  tasks that a coercive system requires to maintain itself.
 |
 |  On the other hand, I believe "coercive ideas" that impact
 |  behavior directly must be addressed and changed for the
 |  safety of people. It might be difficult to see the
 |  difference between simple and coercive ideas, but separating
 |  them is very important, since attempting to coerce people
 |  creates the potential for a dangerous, self-perpetuating
 |  paradox.
 |
 |  Part of the reason behind it is that when arguing about
 |  simple ideas in an authoritarian system, non-violent,
 |  non-coercive behaviors are rare. Coercion perpetuates the
 |  system.
 |
 |  The importance of a non-reactive approach when dealing with
 |  an authoritarian system was understood by great persons like
 |  Christ, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Ghandi and Mother
 |  Theresa. This disturbs the command-rebellion behaviors and
 |  forces people to think, creating a potential to cast away
 |  illusions.
 |
 |  But instead, "competitive winning" is a concept dear to
 |  authoritarians. Listening-to-learn, considering ideas based
 |  on their merit, and commenting in a non-competitive way
 |  doesn't make much sense to a power-oriented person. When the
 |  brethren intone, "They can leave the Church, but they can't
 |  leave it alone," they have created a win-win competitive
 |  conundrum. If you fight them, they win. If you don't, they
 |  win. Furthermore, if you fight them you lose, and if you
 |  don't you lose. The system stays strong.
 |
 |  The comment of the brethren begs the question, "Is there
 |  something amiss that should be discussed?" They don't want
 |  to know about weaknesses and problems. Those former members
 |  who try to force them to listen in a coercive, reactive way,
 |  avoid insight that might help them make significant changes
 |  in themselves that would help them rise above the pain,
 |  insecurity, helplessness and paradox of the LDS
 |  authoritarian system.
 |
 |  The brethren are a macrocosm illuminating what I believe we
 |  need to change in ourselves if we want to find peace and
 |  fulfillment. Under their confident, charismatic exterior,
 |  they are quite vulnerable and insecure. They are generally
 |  "good" people, sucked up in a system that molds them and
 |  gives them little agency to be independent. Instead, they
 |  have been carefully selected as the most likely persons to
 |  valiantly, coercively protect the image of the church
 |  regardless of truth, inspiration or context.
 |
 |  They are bound by the pervasively ingrained attitudes of
 |  authoritarianism: loyalty, secrecy, duty and obedience.
 |  These coercive ideas force good people to do foolish things.
 |  They promote an illusion that certain leaders are infallible
 |  when acting in their official positions.
 |
 |  In the real world, all people are imperfect. No one is free
 |  from making mistakes. People with authoritarian attitudes
 |  are trained to know how to appear less mistake-prone and how
 |  to blame their short-comings on others. Very intelligent
 |  people may be able to wriggle out of responsibility in
 |  various creative ways to justify their mistakes, sometimes
 |  even creating an illusion they intended to do what they did.
 |  They may be able to perform tasks more easily than others
 |  who are less gifted. Often those closest to them suffer from
 |  the pain of their mistakes, especially when it comes to
 |  showing heart-felt gratitude and love.
 |
 |  On the other hand, I have friends who have diminished mental
 |  capacity, but they make no mistakes at all when showing
 |  unconditional love and friendship. They don't see any reason
 |  to try to hide their mistakes. They are often amused by
 |  them, although they try hard to do better, they know they
 |  will err again but they love themselves anyway.
 |
 |  I prefer this type of person to the gifted authoritarian. If
 |  I were to make a judgment, I would say simple, open honesty
 |  is good and intelligent but devious illusion-making is evil.
 |
 |  Authoritarianism establishes leaders who in the minds of
 |  their followers are unquestionably right and whose word must
 |  be followed as though they were Gods. By the way, I believe
 |  authoritarianism is necessary in times of disaster or war,
 |  but we should always recognize that it is a flawed,
 |  illusionary system and will always spawn perpetrators and
 |  victims, even though it has the potential to organize people
 |  into accomplishing certain tasks better than any other
 |  method currently utilized.
 |
 |  Taking a closer look at its emphasis on a hierarchical
 |  control system, it teaches people to obey without thinking.
 |  This creates a strongly external locus of control. Various
 |  roles are assigned with subordinate and command positions so
 |  people tend to feel responsible to and for other people
 |  instead of realizing they are only responsible to and for
 |  themselves. I won't get into the complexities of growing up
 |  in an LDS family that has all these dynamics ingrained for
 |  generations, and how easily a child from such a family grows
 |  up to accept subordinate and command positions in the
 |  church. Nor will I examine this phenomenon in the greater
 |  society we live in and its origins. Instead I'll point out
 |  that converts and multi-generational Mormons often show deep
 |  reverence to these attitudes and operate under their several
 |  constraints without conscious awareness.
 |
 |  Authoritarians are almost always hypocrites for the reasons
 |  explained above and they rarely have much introspective
 |  insight. They use carefully-worded rhetoric to provide an
 |  atmosphere where they can exercise almost total control over
 |  their subordinates and usually deny that they do that.
 |  Luckily, they are often very respectful of their tremendous
 |  power, but not always. Rebellion always results, but since
 |  the same dynamics are at work in those who rebel, their
 |  actions tend to support the system instead of weaken it.
 |
 |  If authoritarianism operates the way I have described it, I
 |  think the key to understanding why some former members
 |  become so focused on humiliating the brethren, even at great
 |  personal cost, and while sometimes appearing a little scary
 |  themselves, is that they have been taught a codependent lack
 |  of respect for boundaries between their rights and other
 |  peoples.' Because authoritarianism as it is practiced in the
 |  church provides compelling rhetoric complaining that it does
 |  not compromise the agency of individual church members, it
 |  is difficult for a former member attacking the church to
 |  understand he or she is showing the same the lack of
 |  respect.
 |
 |  If it sounds like I'm condemning those who attack the
 |  church, I'd like to clarify. I'm suggesting that attacking
 |  the church may throw the former member into game-playing
 |  which is an expected and structurally helpful part of the
 |  system, even though consciously, the church and its
 |  attackers are both unhappy and uncomfortable at various
 |  times. This unhappiness strengthens the resolve in all the
 |  players. The brethren feel persecuted, wondering aloud "why
 |  they won't leave us alone?" The former members feel
 |  frustrated at not being heard and try more diligently.
 |
 |  On the other hand, showing respect to coercive ideas is
 |  enabling. I believe it is always appropriate to intervene
 |  aggressively against ideas that coddle perpetrators when
 |  people are being sexually or physically harmed. However, to
 |  avoid paradox, I believe it needs to be done carefully and
 |  thoughtfully. There are ways to get around defenses using
 |  paradoxical statements and humiliation, but that's a topic
 |  for another time.
 |
 |  My primary point in this segment is that coercive arguments
 |  about simple ideas like the concept of the plurality of
 |  Gods, that Joseph Smith did not really translate the gold
 |  plates, or he was NOT inspired to establish polygyny, is
 |  only perpetuating a loss of agency. I think the dangers of
 |  this loss of agency should be the focus. It is the dynamic
 |  at the base of the abuse most of us agree must stop, both
 |  inside and outside of the LDS church.
 |
 |  You have to decide what is most important to you. I believe
 |  that Post-Mormons need to "transcend" the church. I don't
 |  mean to imply that we're better than the devout members, I
 |  just mean we can choose to live by a different law with a
 |  different set of expectations and responsibilities regarding
 |  our behavior. Whether you're agnostic, atheist, Christian or
 |  non-Christian, Christ's ideas about following the heart
 |  instead of the law seem pretty compelling.
 |
 |  If we can do that, we not only will avoid the emotional harm
 |  that comes of impotently "kicking against the pricks," but
 |  we will avoid the paradox of angrily controlling the angry
 |  controllers which when dealing with simple ideas only
 |  perpetuates the underlying issues most of us wish to change.
 |  Instead, we can find the internal peace and love that was
 |  missing when we were devout. And we can create an
 |  environment where people are physically, sexually,
 |  emotionally and spiritually safe. If we can do this
 |  temperately, those of us who still have loved ones in the
 |  fold can avoid estranging them (although sometimes that's
 |  necessary for our own mental well-being and theirs).
 |
 |  In conclusion, I have implied that I believe it is better to
 |  show church members the respect I wish they would show, and
 |  not try to aggressively press their noses into ideas they
 |  may unconsciously know are false but consciously must reject
 |  to protect the image of the church, joining with them in a
 |  political game. Among therapists, it is a well-known
 |  phenomenon that when one member of a family changes
 |  significantly, the others change as well. I believe this is
 |  especially profound when the family has an external locus of
 |  control. It takes courage and deep self-appreciation to do
 |  this well, because it always raises anxiety and creates more
 |  trouble for a time initially. Nonetheless, I believe if we
 |  can do it, eventually, our friends and loved ones in the
 |  church may follow, and we may be able to reason together
 |  without coercion.
 |
 |
 |  The frightening move from "outer-directed" to "inner
 |  directed" & implications
 |
 |  Is it possible to move from obedience-oriented, "outer
 |  directed" (external locus of control) to "inner directed"
 |  (internal locus of control)? Yes. There. That takes care of
 |  that problem.
 |
 |  It would be fun if awareness were all that was necessary to
 |  make the shift, like choosing to throw away a pair of shoes
 |  that have become painful to wear. Sadly, I believe that
 |  leaving behind this part of Mormonism is always a difficult,
 |  long-term process.
 |
 |  The dynamics in Mormonism are only a symptom of the
 |  authoritarianism which helps develop and maintain an
 |  external locus of control. These pervasive attitudes infect
 |  all societies and religions that believe in enforcing a
 |  power hierarchy to direct people, so there is constant
 |  reinforcement. The supplanting of natural personal
 |  responsibility for self makes the satisfaction of important
 |  emotional needs dependent on maintaining the external locus.
 |  Furthermore, human beings have a genetic history of many
 |  thousands of years of subjugation by one group or another.
 |  Those of us who have been involved in the military or other
 |  command/obedience-oriented organizations like the LDS church
 |  may have it more ingrained than others.
 |
 |  The previous section, "They can Leave the Church, but They
 |  Can't Leave it Alone," described some of the dynamics of
 |  this external locus of control taught through the doctrine
 |  and practices of the LDS church. It focused on the hypocrisy
 |  of attempting to coerce the church to comply with personal
 |  beliefs from the outside after leaving its coercion and
 |  implied there is a danger of perpetuating the thing we want
 |  to be rid of if we use the same dynamics to attack it, that
 |  it used to subjugate us.
 |
 |  I tend to write like I'm sitting down discussing this with
 |  you one-to-one. It's a personal style, and I'm going to be
 |  even more personal in this section, because this journey
 |  toward a less external locus of control has been a primary
 |  focus of mine for many years now. My efforts to understand
 |  how to do it well continue with just as much intensity as I
 |  write this as when it began. I'm not sure if I'm any closer
 |  to a final outcome, and frankly, I don't think that's the
 |  point. How to achieve a greater sense of identity without
 |  losing oneself in the process is the point.
 |
 |
 |  The Journey
 |
 |  One of the most frightening things to me when I began
 |  questioning the perfection of the LDS church was the thought
 |  there might not be anyone anywhere who could tell me what
 |  was best to think and do. "What if there is no perfect
 |  mortal or organization that I can turn to for the truth?" I
 |  asked myself, and was truly terrified as I considered the
 |  prospect of that. (If you don't realize this already, the
 |  Post-Mormons group is not meant to supplant the LDS church
 |  for you. I don't think Bill Gardiner or the other leaders of
 |  groups intend to place you under their direction. Each
 |  Post-Mormon is an imperfect mortal who has much greater
 |  knowledge about directing self than anyone else.)
 |
 |  That was the first step toward shifting from an external to
 |  an internal locus of control. After the initial terror, it
 |  was like I had opened the door from a rather small, gloomy
 |  room with what I thought was a very comfortable chair, to
 |  the outside. I'm embarrassed to admit I never even knew
 |  there was a door out of the room until that point in time.
 |  When I opened the door, I was almost blinded by the lights
 |  and color. It was like a jungle, very dangerous, but full of
 |  possibilities and endless experiences. At first, I didn't
 |  want to go out, but after having seen it, the little room
 |  began to shrink, and I could see the comfortable chair was
 |  an illusion: it was small, constricting and full of broken
 |  springs. I began to sense the pain I had obediently denied
 |  feeling while sitting obediently in it. Back then, you could
 |  have argued with perfect logic and incredible clarity that I
 |  was suffering there, and I would not have believed you even
 |  though it was perfectly true and at a deeper level I knew
 |  it.
 |
 |  For me it wasn't as simple as walking out of the small room
 |  into the jungle. I had a great deal of baggage that impeded
 |  my progress. For example, I had poor introspective
 |  abilities, dependency, game-playing, hypocrisy, phoniness,
 |  guilt, issues with responsibility, spiritual laziness (and I
 |  respect those of you who are agnostics and atheists. This
 |  has to do with listening to your gut, instincts, heart,
 |  whatever you want to call it, it doesn't need to have
 |  anything to do with a God) and many other personality
 |  disorders enmeshed with my external locus of control.
 |  Personally, I don't believe these pieces of luggage can be
 |  discarded overnight. First, I had to open each container,
 |  look at the articles inside, and remove them one by one.
 |
 |  I have noticed a common theme among devout
 |  external-locus-of-control persons, especially men: they hate
 |  "psychology bullshit." Translated, it means, "I don't want
 |  criticism, I don't want to know why I do what I do, I just
 |  want to be able to do it." This is a common attitude of
 |  abusers and good people who make it easier for abusers to
 |  have frequent access to victims.
 |
 |  The first thing I had to do was seek to understand myself
 |  and how my friends and enemies were affected by my behavior.
 |  I began to learn empathy by reaching out to people very
 |  unlike me and talking deeply to them about their beliefs,
 |  their hopes, dreams and especially their perceptions of the
 |  positive and negative aspects of my personality. I was a
 |  little surprised how willing people were to do this with me.
 |  I was running a home repairs business at the time, so I had
 |  the opportunity to sit and chat at the conclusion of an
 |  appointment with a very diverse group of people from among
 |  the thousands for whom I worked for over 20 years.
 |
 |  I still maintain close friendships with persons who are
 |  devoutly LDS and are willing to respect my divergence from
 |  the faith. I also have close friends who are gay, some who
 |  have skin colors different from mine, others of different
 |  nationalities, some "rednecks" and some
 |  "bleeding-heart-liberals." Some close friends have been
 |  considered retarded and mentally ill, others are brilliant
 |  and well-adjusted. The only people I still have real trouble
 |  tolerating are those who refuse to look inside themselves.
 |  Nonetheless, I can relate to them fairly well, because I was
 |  one of them at one time. But they remind me of what I no
 |  longer want to be, and they tend to bring the worst out in
 |  me, so I try to avoid them, even though it's often
 |  impossible.
 |
 |  In this pursuit of self-understanding, criticism has changed
 |  from an insult to a helpful potential insight on my journey
 |  toward trusting myself. At one time, I was so afraid to have
 |  people see the negative in me, I hid it at all costs. I
 |  still do to some extent.
 |
 |  I didn't trust myself, because I wasn't perfect. The great
 |  irony of introspection is realizing that I am not perfect
 |  and that's all right. An important part of this change in
 |  perception is that I have learned that no one is perfect.
 |
 |  Criticism was an insult when I felt the person giving it was
 |  better than me. It was a competitive thing. Now, I realize
 |  criticism is a pleasant gift, offering potential insights
 |  into my behavior or thinking, even if it isn't given in a
 |  helpful way. (Let me add a caveat here: just because I
 |  appreciate it, doesn't mean the person giving it to me does.
 |  It is a normal reactive response to offer criticism back,
 |  and even if it is deserved, it probably won't be accepted
 |  well, and therefore it will likely not be helpful.)
 |
 |  I've had the opportunity to work closely with murderers,
 |  rapists, child molesters and LDS church leaders. They are
 |  not inferior human beings. All right, that was a lame
 |  attempt at humor, but my actual point is, bad or good
 |  behavior does not make a person worse or better than me.
 |  Competitive comparison is also enmeshed with an external
 |  locus of control. If you compare yourself disparagingly or
 |  condescendingly to another person, it means you don't
 |  understand the complexity of people and how difficult it is
 |  to make accurate comparisons.
 |
 |  I think it's better to focus on knowing yourself, and as you
 |  do that, remind yourself what a good, potentially stronger
 |  person you are. Don't lie to yourself, just build on your
 |  strengths, and when you find another weakness, try to turn
 |  it into a strength. If you're like me, you won't always
 |  succeed. There are some weaknesses I have that will probably
 |  always be thorns for me. For example, I can't dance and I
 |  can't float. More seriously, I can be a pompous ass
 |  sometimes, and I'm afraid I'll always have that tendency.
 |
 |  I concluded the inleading section on the stages of grief by
 |  quoting the Serenity Prayer. That is also appropriate here,
 |  because it is a mantra that helps one paradoxically move
 |  from external to internal direction (paradoxically, because
 |  you seem to be committing yourself to God, when in actuality
 |  it is you to whom you are committing yourself). You see,
 |  whether you believe in a God or not, focusing on discerning
 |  between what you can change and have no real power to change
 |  teaches you eventually that you can only change things in
 |  yourself. When you learn that, you have moved past some
 |  imaginary middle point from an external locus of control
 |  toward being inner-directed.
 |
 |  I have discussed my personal journey toward greater inner
 |  direction. I have mentioned that the shift is a life-long
 |  process, so it's important to enjoy the journey. There are
 |  four important steps that I needed to take to find inner
 |  direction: 1st, I became aware that there was no mortal
 |  source of perfect knowledge, so I needed to trust myself,
 |  because I was the best source of knowledge for direction for
 |  me; 2nd, I sought to gain personal insights through
 |  criticism; 3rd, I worked on developing empathy for people
 |  who did not look, think and act like me, realizing in the
 |  process that no one was any better or worse than me; so
 |  competing for dominance was silly; and 4th, I learned that I
 |  could only effectively change things in myself. It's
 |  possible that if you have an external locus of control, and
 |  if do these things as well, you may find you have passed the
 |  imaginary line toward inner direction.
 |
 |
 |  The Danger of the 180 Degree Shift
 |
 |  In a theory I have developed to describe and explain the
 |  effect on people of control-oriented systems, I address the
 |  tendency of authoritarians to make 180 degree shifts in
 |  attitudes and behaviors. For the sake of clarity, since
 |  there is more than one definition out there, I define
 |  "authoritarianism" as a power hierarchy exercising control
 |  over people with an expectation of unquestioning obedience.
 |  It follows that the LDS church is authoritarian.
 |
 |  For example, the Bishop's son in High School was a
 |  hell-raiser, screwing everything he could get his hands on
 |  with a skirt. He drank, smoked pot and engaged in minor
 |  criminal acts. He believed in sowing his wild oats as
 |  broadly and quickly as possible. But then he went on a
 |  mission, came home pious, clean, pure and became a bishop
 |  himself at 25 years of age. Currently he condemns any
 |  immorality or sinfulness with the vengeance of a Dr. Laura.
 |  If anyone tries to bring up his younger years, he either
 |  denies his behavior, or winks at them, and says something
 |  like, "boys will be boys."
 |
 |  Authoritarian families are where the cliché comes from, "I
 |  knew everything when I was a teenager and my Dad knew
 |  nothing. It was amazing what he learned during the time
 |  between my teenage years and when I became a young adult."
 |
 |  I mentioned in a previous section about the dyad of
 |  rebellion that is normal in, and actually strengthens the
 |  authoritarian system. It is normal for teenagers in
 |  authoritarian families to rebel since the constraints are
 |  unpleasant and unfair to reasonable human beings. However,
 |  as they grow up, they become foreclosed into the attitudes
 |  they rejected because their identity is weak and they tend
 |  to fall back to the familiar changing from 180 degrees out
 |  back in again, ready to do the same thing to their children
 |  they hated as a child. This is a weird but very salient
 |  phenomenon.
 |
 |  The problem with this tendency for Post-Mormons is, when one
 |  leaves the safety of the church with all its control over
 |  how to engage "properly" in all aspects of life and living,
 |  are there any moral or ethical standards any longer? The
 |  quick answer is "no." However, every person was raised
 |  differently, has various innate and learned tendencies, a
 |  greater or lesser internal locus of control and a
 |  consequently weaker or stronger identity, so some people
 |  have intact morals and ethics when they leave.
 |
 |  It could be argued that when persons leave the church it is
 |  because they have a better sense of identity. Still, I have
 |  noted many who feel very lost and unsure of whom they are.
 |  Consequently, it is rare to see pure examples of the 180
 |  degree shift. In a general sense, however, people with
 |  poorly-formed identities who abruptly leave the church can
 |  be very vulnerable to poor decisions which bear some
 |  resemblance to it.
 |
 |  I know some people who have met the solemn expectations of
 |  the church when leaving by becoming an antithesis of it.
 |  This is satisfying to church members and an object lesson
 |  for leaders to keep people active and obedient to the
 |  church. That's unfortunate, but it's fairly common.
 |
 |  A very sad composite example was a young woman who was
 |  sexually molested by a bishop in her single student ward and
 |  left the church quite abruptly, having her illusions and
 |  hopes shattered. Because she was fearful her family wouldn't
 |  believe her (and was probably right) she did not tell them
 |  and lost that support (which she may not have had anyway).
 |  Outside the church, without family, she quickly became very
 |  lonely. The only people who would befriend her were persons
 |  who were living a very different lifestyle and she
 |  especially chose a group with some former members in it who
 |  also "hated" the church.
 |
 |  She was quickly chosen by a boyfriend who was very
 |  controlling, and that made her feel safe. Ironically, he
 |  raped her the second week they were together, but she was so
 |  desperate for the security of her relationship with him, she
 |  did not report it, and did not try to end the relationship
 |  (but then, her mother had been regularly raped by her father
 |  for many years. That is, he forced himself on her, violently
 |  at times, against her will, and although she didn't know
 |  about this until she was an adult, the subtle dynamics at
 |  home taught her that women submit, even to the most personal
 |  deprivations, when the "priesthood" demands it.).
 |
 |  Moral issues were quite black and white for her, and now
 |  she'd lost her virginity, she believed it was pointless to
 |  follow any other standards, so she began drinking, complying
 |  with strange, dangerous sexual requests to satisfy her
 |  boyfriend's need to totally dominate her, and by the end of
 |  the first year was trying various recreational drugs. If you
 |  had asked her at that point if she was happy, if you looked
 |  LDS, she would have taken her boyfriend's arm and among
 |  various expletives told you, "Sure." She would have gone on
 |  to tell you what a self-righteous, hypocritical ass you
 |  were.
 |
 |  However, her joy in her new lifestyle was the same as it was
 |  when she was active in church. It was an illusion, as became
 |  obvious when she attempted suicide not long after.
 |
 |  Of course her boyfriend dropped this damaged merchandise
 |  quickly and moved on. At least her family took her back and
 |  nursed her back to health, berating her privately and hiding
 |  her as much as possible while her hair grew out and regained
 |  its original color. They made it clear to her that they were
 |  very ashamed, but publicly said it was an accidental
 |  overdose, endemic of her lifestyle. She knew they were
 |  lying, but her whole life was a lie. She did a lot of
 |  thinking as she healed. She began coming to church again.
 |
 |  She never told anyone about what the single ward Bishop did
 |  (and he did it to several other young women until his wife
 |  found out and he was quietly released, reprimanded and went
 |  on with other church duties with no one publicly the wiser.
 |  He's probably still quietly molesting young women somewhere
 |  within a system that inadvertently protects him.).
 |
 |  Luckily for her, she began to shift from an external locus
 |  of control to an internal one, and church activity
 |  ironically became more meaningful to her, even though it
 |  never created the joy for her commensurate with the grand
 |  promises that were made. Eventually she moved out into her
 |  own apartment.
 |
 |  Today she's wiser, quietly in a gay relationship, and still
 |  active. Finally she would agree that she's very lucky to be
 |  alive.
 |
 |  So she made a 180 degree shift, but then shifted back, but
 |  not all the way. Of course that's a healthier way to shift
 |  away from the church. Not all the way.
 |
 |  There is a tendency among authoritarians to throw the baby
 |  out with the bath water. If you are considering leaving the
 |  church or if you recently have left, it may be helpful to
 |  carefully ponder whom you are. What values and lifestyle are
 |  important to you? If you were born in the church, it's
 |  normal to be curious about the "great taboos." Should you
 |  start bed-hopping to enjoy sexual liberation? Should you
 |  start consuming adult beverages or smoking cigarettes?
 |  Should you try various drugs? Should you take up forgery and
 |  defraud defensive, frightened general authorities of the LDS
 |  church? Should you rob a bank? Should you start torturing
 |  and murdering small annoying dogs? Seriously, there are many
 |  choices you may now feel free to make, and it's important to
 |  use some caution to avoid going in a direction that might
 |  not meet your emotional, physical and spiritual needs.
 |
 |  Luckily, persons leaving the church are rarely inclined to
 |  become totally without values or morals. Personally, I
 |  believe human beings have two categories of needs:
 |  instinctual and spiritual. (Again, spiritual doesn't have to
 |  have anything to do with a God, but rather with the heart.)
 |  I believe instinctual needs are sex, food, excitement and
 |  security. Spiritual needs are love, connectedness and the
 |  expression of creativity. Values and morals have developed
 |  to control our instinctual needs, but they are connected to
 |  spiritual needs as well. Instinctual needs without any
 |  guidance are reactive and impulsive. However, human beings
 |  have frontal lobes which can be used to thoughtfully balance
 |  spiritual needs with instinctual ones. It is a fun creative
 |  exercise to work on this balance to develop respect and
 |  empathy which will create a natural (although changeable)
 |  set of morals and values.
 |
 |  For example, after realizing that the church was no longer
 |  helpful to me, I began to question the values taught to me
 |  there. I wondered what it would be like to drink alcohol or
 |  get drunk. I asked some close friends about it to see what
 |  they thought. I was surprised to hear that it wasn't as much
 |  fun as I had been led inadvertently to believe by the
 |  stringent lessons against it taught in the church. Two of my
 |  friends had become alcoholics. One who was not told me, "If
 |  you like to appear stupid and enjoy cleaning vomit off
 |  yourself, you will love getting drunk." I remembered how
 |  stupid my own High School friends had appeared to be when
 |  some sober friends and I used to tease them outside the
 |  dance hall as they staggered around looking for a fight, or
 |  sex, it didn't matter which. They usually had to settle for
 |  barfing their guts out in front of the girls they most
 |  wanted to impress (they did).
 |
 |  Later, I had the opportunity to be trained to teach Alcohol
 |  and Drug Addiction Prevention Classes for the United States
 |  Army. During that process, I examined current research and
 |  learned that alcohol can be very healthy when drunk in
 |  moderation. There was compelling research that showed
 |  drastic reductions in onset of Alzheimer's and some positive
 |  effects on longevity. However, I had considered the
 |  alcoholism in my own family and being aware of the genetic
 |  link, I decided I really didn't need to try it. So I
 |  haven't. Doesn't mean you shouldn't, but I do think you
 |  ought to think about it, and not just do it because you can.
 |
 |  In conclusion, I believe it is important to not make a 180
 |  degree shift when leaving the church. Instead, think about
 |  what you want your values to be. The most important point is
 |  to not reject good things out of a simple reaction, trying
 |  to "spank" the church by doing things it teaches against,
 |  merely to rebel.
 |
 |
 |  Meeting Expectations
 |  (A story, rather true, but fanciful)
 |
 |  "Bishop, I'm new in the Ward. My name is Chad Phillips. I'm
 |  a convert, and as I studied the Book of Mormon, and Bible, I
 |  have found some problems in consistency about love, agency
 |  and the personality of God. I've been trying to understand
 |  them, but whenever I ask anyone, they pause, give me a
 |  concerned look and say something like, 'Have you prayed
 |  about it?' I have prayed about it. I have felt like God is
 |  concerned about the ideas as well. The more I try to clarify
 |  and build on the truth I'm finding, the less happy certain
 |  people in the church are becoming. I'd like to just talk
 |  about these things in an atmosphere of openness to someone
 |  like you who must know the answers to my questions. And by
 |  the way, why can't I just talk to people about simple things
 |  like this without having them get that stern look on their
 |  faces? What's with that?"
 |
 |  The bishop had a stern look on his face, his fingers
 |  interlaced on his desk, looking at this handsome young man
 |  before him. He'd seen many others like him in his many
 |  positions of leadership in the church. Of course he was
 |  concerned. Obviously, this young man was sinning. He looked
 |  honest enough, but sometimes sins sneak up on you.
 |
 |  Although he would never admit it publicly, the bishop had
 |  his own weaknesses, not that they were unusual. Everyone had
 |  them. Most men more than he, he suspected. The bulge in his
 |  pants whenever sister Francis came in to talk about her
 |  latest sexual troubles with her current boyfriend, for
 |  example. To help her, the bishop needed more details, and he
 |  always got them. But the physical response from his private
 |  member wasn't his fault. Sister Francis was dangerous, and
 |  although she had resisted realizing that at first, he was
 |  helping her see that (and they needed several more, long
 |  sessions, to get this resolved for this poor, confused young
 |  sister). Men couldn't help but see her wanton need for
 |  sexual satisfaction, and if he didn't leave his door open
 |  and have brother Johnson just outside the door,  . . . 
 |  well, sins can sneak up on you.
 |
 |  "Chad, the Lord whispers to me that something is amiss in
 |  your life."
 |
 |  Chad was a little unnerved. Not having been raised in the
 |  church, he didn't have the same reverence for leaders many
 |  members had. He didn't automatically believe that they were
 |  always right and could see right through you. Had he had
 |  that privilege of upbringing, the current situation wouldn't
 |  have been such a problem because he would have begun
 |  rationalizing his thoughts and behavior until he found some
 |  way to justify the bishop's vision into his "darker self,"
 |  even if it didn't really exist. Instead, he was confused.
 |
 |  "What do you mean?" Chad asked, a little annoyed.
 |
 |  The bishop could see Chad's discomfort. He had obviously hit
 |  the nail on the head. The bishop felt like smiling. The
 |  mantle of the priesthood had served him well.
 |
 |  That was a great blessing of righteousness in the male
 |  leadership of the church: To always be right. It was nothing
 |  to boast about of course, because it wasn't of him, it was a
 |  gift bestowed by God because of his calling.
 |
 |  Assured he was heading in the right direction, the bishop
 |  said, "In your heart right now Chad, you know what I'm
 |  talking about. It's best to face it, get it off your chest."
 |
 |  "What the hell are you talking about?"
 |
 |  The bishop was jolted upright. Swearing and anger. Signs of
 |  Satan deep within this poor soul! Deeply offended, the
 |  bishop said, "Don't use that sort of language in my office!
 |  This is a house of God, and He does not tolerate it here."
 |
 |  Chad was amazed. A part of him understood the deep
 |  commitment most members had to avoid any of the four-letter
 |  words associated with swearing regardless of context or
 |  meaning. But a more significant part of him wondered why
 |  using the word "hell" was more important than the issues he
 |  was trying unsuccessfully to discuss. This flashed through
 |  his head in an instant, not slowly enough to use it
 |  rationally. Instead he felt unsure how to proceed.
 |
 |  The bishop read his hesitation as awareness that Chad had
 |  recognized his sin, and he softened toward this youngster.
 |  The bishop had been young and impulsive once. In fact a
 |  little fire was a good thing, if it could be properly
 |  directed. "Thank you, Chad, I can see you're a good boy, and
 |  really want to do what Father expects of you. Joseph Smith
 |  the Prophet explained to us, that whenever anyone questions
 |  the church, it is because he is in sin. Even the smallest
 |  sin is enough to begin to erode the faith we all hold dear."
 |
 |  In a moment, Chad lost his sense that anything helpful was
 |  going to come out of this conversation regarding his
 |  questions. Something in his soul shifted, and for the
 |  moment, he was amused. "What sorts of sins?" he asked.
 |
 |  Good. The boy wanted to learn. A good sign.
 |
 |  "Usually they are moral sins. Masturbation," the bishop
 |  looked closely at Chad's face, since this was a common one.
 |  He wasn't disappointed, since he could see the flush rise in
 |  Chad's face momentarily, " . . .  impure thoughts,
 |  fornication  . . .  if you were married, adultery, but
 |  you're not married, are you Chad?"
 |
 |  "Well, yes, I am."
 |
 |  The bishop was a little surprised. This made things
 |  different. "Well, son, good! Were you married in the
 |  temple?"
 |
 |  "No. But what does this have to do with anything?" There was
 |  an edge in his voice again.
 |
 |  The bishop, ever vigilant, noticed the edge in his voice. So
 |  it was probably adultery. One of those office flings no
 |  doubt. A young handsome guy like Chad probably getting it on
 |  with some cute thing in the copier room. The bishop was so
 |  focused, he hardly felt the bulge in his pants again as he
 |  pressed the point, "When one doesn't get married in the
 |  temple, there is much less commitment to certain moral
 |  standards. You need to talk about these things, or nothing
 |  will be clear to you," the Bishop said, hopefully, his
 |  private member imagining more lurid details about the firm,
 |  nubile young bodies lustfully seeking the caress of this
 |  handsome young man than Chad could ever provide.
 |
 |  Chad thought about the older guy who lived in the nice home
 |  next door to the little fixer-upper he'd purchased. He'd
 |  been told that the guy was the High Priest's Group Leader.
 |  He worked in sales at the office where Chad was employed.
 |  The guy was super-righteous on Sunday, married in the
 |  temple, born-in-the-church member and yet HE was the one
 |  having the fling at the office. Or at least that was what
 |  everyone said. There was some darker talk as well, that his
 |  mousy wife, who never said a word when she was with him, had
 |  suffered greatly at his hands on occasion. Chad had seen
 |  this man working side-by-side with the bishop in service
 |  projects, and it appeared they were close friends.
 |
 |  Chad felt deeply disappointed and a little angry. "You know
 |  bishop, I don't think you'll be able to answer my
 |  questions." Chad got up rather abruptly, not understanding
 |  the social mores about waiting for the bishop to give him
 |  signals they were done.
 |
 |  The bishop was shocked again (and his private member began
 |  to sag sadly). "Son, don't be so hasty,  . . . " but the
 |  bishop could see the resolute look on his face. He'd seen it
 |  before. He knew what it meant, and it made him feel very
 |  sad. The sins of this young man were deep and profound. He
 |  would leave the church, "kick against the pricks" and be a
 |  thorn in the side of good LDS persons.
 |
 |  And it was so.
 |
 |
 |  How to Keep Relationships as a Post-Mormon
 |
 |  This is a serious topic, but humor is very important if you
 |  want to keep your relationships. That is often the last
 |  thing that comes to mind, especially if you succumb to
 |  trying to coerce your loved ones into compliance with your
 |  point of view. Even if you don't, it's very likely they will
 |  be trying to do that with you. That can be annoying. It's up
 |  to you to see that the stress always associate with
 |  attempted coercion doesn't build to the breaking point.
 |
 |  People have vastly different themes and situations that seem
 |  humorous. You and I might find pompous, condescending,
 |  melodramatic presentations by certain brethren speaking at
 |  the semi-annual LDS general conference hilarious, but our
 |  loved ones likely won't. Likewise, they might be crying
 |  tears of hilarity at jokes about gay persons and liberal
 |  politicians that you don't find humorous. So where is the
 |  common ground? You have to figure that out.
 |
 |  Communication is the number one tool to accomplish that.
 |  Trouble is, authoritarians don't communicate to resolve
 |  differences very well. Their communication almost always
 |  contains elements of attempted coercion or manipulation of
 |  which they are almost totally unaware. If you try to make
 |  them aware, they will become defensive and you'll find
 |  yourself off in some philosophical field somewhere up to
 |  your waist in cow manure (or some less dignified people call
 |  it bullshit). When facing conflict, they tend to want to
 |  "win" an argument, not compromise or come up with a mutually
 |  satisfactory solution.
 |
 |  There are many ways to communicate. Because of the power
 |  struggles, authoritarians often communicate nonverbally. (I
 |  would love to digress into my theories of how nonverbal
 |  innuendos played a part in various tragic and embarrassing
 |  episodes in LDS church history, including the Mountain
 |  Meadows Massacre, but with formidable self-control, I will
 |  resist doing that.) You can do that as well.
 |
 |  It's important to communicate directly that you respect
 |  their right to be devout, even thought they will
 |  misinterpret it at first as an attempt to manipulate them in
 |  various ways. I'd suggest that you don't ask that they
 |  respect you but even I don't follow that advice. But as you
 |  make certain direct attempts to communicate, keep up the
 |  nonverbal stuff that cements relationships. And it's crucial
 |  you're sincere when you do it.
 |
 |  If you're going to transcend the LDS church, I believe it's
 |  very important to learn to love unconditionally. By their
 |  actions, not their words, the church defines unconditional
 |  love as, "extending warmth and fellowship as long as
 |  obedience and devotion is shown." In case you haven't
 |  thought about it, that's "conditional love." (By the way, if
 |  you believe the church excommunicates primarily for "sins,"
 |  it's more complex than that. If you are devout and obedient,
 |  you can commit grievous moral sins and as long as they are
 |  not publicly known, no church action will be taken if it
 |  might embarrass the church. My experience is, the church
 |  shows their formidable conditional love primarily against
 |  those whom they see as disobedient and safe to punish
 |  without potential embarrassment.).
 |
 |  Unconditional love means you care about someone even when
 |  they aren't obedient. That means when they disagree with
 |  you, or even falsely accuse you, you don't punish them by
 |  cutting them off emotionally the way the church
 |  excommunicates people who are disobedient. You still care
 |  about them, show them warmth and respect them. It's
 |  important to learn how to feel love towards them and express
 |  it frequently, even when they "don't deserve it." This is a
 |  process, and entails learning how to respect people who have
 |  differences with you. Altruism is crucial if you want to
 |  keep relationships (Let me add a caveat: it is difficult
 |  keeping up a one-sided relationship, but it may be worth it,
 |  only you can decide. I can only do it with a few people at a
 |  time. You will have to decide how great your emotional
 |  resources are. If you start feeling fractured, hopeless and
 |  especially self-disgusted, you may be trying too hard and
 |  need to give it up with one or more of them for your own
 |  sake.)
 |
 |  So having said all that, what can you do to keep a
 |  relationship fun and light? When I have taught parenting
 |  classes, I have often pointed out that if you don't balance
 |  the sometimes serious part of discipline with fun, you'll
 |  lose your kids' participation in your goal to help them
 |  become personally responsible, competent adults. So have
 |  some fun that you and your loved ones enjoy doing together.
 |  See a movie, have a barbecue, go hiking, biking, walking,
 |  singing, put rocks in the hubcaps of the Cadillacs of
 |  sanctimonious church members  . . . strike the last one, but
 |  anyway, find some fun things to do together you both enjoy.
 |
 |  When dealing with trying to keep relationships, probably the
 |  most important cliché (which I just created for this very
 |  idea) is, "In the case of attack don't react." Listen, then
 |  respond if you think it will help. If it hasn't in the past,
 |  remain silent. Wait a few minutes and tell a joke or say,
 |  "boy you nailed me that time." If your friend misinterprets
 |  that statement, which the first time you try it they
 |  invariably will, say something like, "I know you feel
 |  strongly, I listened to you, but instead of getting upset, I
 |  just thought I'd make a little joke so it doesn't stop us
 |  from liking each other."
 |
 |  Continue trying to communicate. Listen to your heart. If
 |  something doesn't work, try something different, or just
 |  give it up. Anger probably indicates you have a need to
 |  control your loved one. You especially need to give that up.
 |  I think we need to transcend the LDS need to control. Humor
 |  is much better than anger if it isn't done sarcastically or
 |  with the intention to humiliate.
 |
 |  So you don't have to kiss your relationships with devout
 |  members goodbye when you leave the church. They, however,
 |  will have to care enough about you to show you at least a
 |  little respect, which the church teaches them should not be
 |  shown to you (what I mean by that is if they refuse to have
 |  anything to do with you, it is hard to even keep up a
 |  one-sided relationship). Communication is crucial but
 |  difficult. Humor is a helpful tool.
 |
 |  Your own transcension of conditional loving and the control
 |  behind anger is another very helpful tool. If you learn to
 |  respect your loved ones and realize their devotion to the
 |  LDS church is helpful and necessary to them at this time,
 |  your love for them will allow you to unconditionally respect
 |  them in their allegiance to it. It will also allow you to
 |  tolerate their occasional lack of respect for you, and even
 |  kid around about it. Good luck, I think it's a worthwhile
 |  pursuit.
 |
 |
 |  The Two-way Street of Criticism and Introspection
 |
 |  Authoritarians generally fear and hate criticism because
 |  they have a weak sense of identity and rely on illusion
 |  created by persons outside themselves to create a beautiful
 |  picture of themselves which is often quite inaccurate.
 |  However, they are very willing to criticize subordinates who
 |  are required to comply without question. Because of
 |  avoidance of responsibility issues, subordinates are likely
 |  to pass the criticism or something similar on to those
 |  beneath them.
 |
 |  Authoritarian systems are abusive by nature and so negative
 |  consequences arise as a natural occurrence. Blaming is
 |  everywhere, people who take responsibility are rare.
 |  Scapegoating is common, both in government politics (an
 |  authoritarian system) and the LDS church. For example, the
 |  victim is usually blamed for her victimization.
 |
 |  That is an interesting phenomenon to watch among members of
 |  the church. The General Authority will criticize members.
 |  However, it isn't appropriate for members to criticize him.
 |  When something goes wrong, the brethren do not take
 |  responsibility. The members willingly take the blame or
 |  blame a scapegoat. For example, when a bishop is finally
 |  exposed and removed for molesting young women, the church
 |  wags its head and clucks its tongue at him and wonder why on
 |  earth the young women allowed him to do that to them. The
 |  implication is, "they must have been wanting it as much as
 |  he wanted to do it to them," or something. He and his
 |  victims are the problem, not the dynamics that gave him too
 |  much power and then protected the illusion that concealed
 |  and encouraged the abuse.
 |
 |  When I left the church in my heart, I felt very angry and
 |  saw a great many faults in it. As I lost my fear, I began to
 |  criticize the leaders directly and indirectly and especially
 |  the brethren whom I saw as more culpable. Although the
 |  brethren said very little in response to me, other leaders
 |  were quite critical of me in return. At first I was
 |  offended. How dare they, the enemy, criticize me, the saint?
 |
 |  Unpleasantly, sometimes I found their criticisms to contain
 |  very accurate information about my own hypocrisy and errors
 |  in thinking. I could have justified myself by saying "you
 |  did it first," but that's reactive, competitive and pretty
 |  childish. As I gained more insight into the dynamics at
 |  work, and myself, I realized that I didn't want to
 |  perpetuate that which I sought to repair. The result was, I
 |  began to listen.
 |
 |  I began to learn a great deal about myself and my own
 |  failings. People in an authoritarian system are often
 |  extremely perceptive about the faults in others. It is a
 |  survival mechanism that is very necessary for avoiding
 |  victimization, exploiting weaknesses, avoiding blame and
 |  finding ways to dominate. So despite their inability to take
 |  responsibility they will often give you good insights into
 |  your own weaknesses.
 |
 |  Personally, I have come to realize that criticism is a good
 |  source of information for self-improvement. I believe it is
 |  an important dynamic of healthy relationships, especially
 |  when it is done without anger, honestly, from the heart. But
 |  even other types of criticism can be helpful.
 |
 |  I believe that Post-Mormons need to be willing not only to
 |  point out the errors in the church, but to listen to the
 |  response of leaders and members who will invariably find
 |  fault with them in return. Even if you have not yet risen
 |  above a competitive spirit, at the very least, it is
 |  important to listen to what your enemies have to say about
 |  you to battle them more effectively. On a more healthy
 |  level, it will help you know yourself and become stronger.
 |
 |  It is an illusion that criticism has the power to hurt you.
 |  Bad criticism needs only to be ignored. It has no power in
 |  itself to do hurt, only to strengthen. That's why, when I
 |  criticize the brethren, I believe I am offering them
 |  strength. Paradoxically, they see it as poisonous and ignore
 |  something that could help solve their most serious problems.
 |
 |  In conclusion, it's important to realize that when we
 |  criticize others our comments are often a window into our
 |  own soul. When we give them, we may be describing an element
 |  of ourselves we are not quite ready to see. Therefore, it is
 |  important when someone wants to take issue with us, that we
 |  listen. In that way, at least we, and perhaps our critics,
 |  may come to a better answer than any of us would have found
 |  alone.
 |
 |
 |  Why you don't have to feel defensive as a Post-Mormon
 |
 |  If you've read the other segments in this article, you know
 |  that being a devout Mormon means being unconsciously very
 |  insecure. It is because parts of your identity and some of
 |  the meaning behind the church you adore is an illusion.
 |  Although that is a carefully-guarded secret, even to your
 |  own conscious awareness, a myriad of clues to that fact
 |  leave devout LDS persons very vulnerable, and at some level
 |  they all know it, especially the pompous arrogant ones in
 |  positions of power, who have the most to lose.
 |
 |  When someone consciously unravels one of the illusions and
 |  sees the truth, the rest of the illusions usually begin to
 |  fall to pieces. However, a Post-Mormon may still have the
 |  emotional, attitudinal baggage that renders him or her
 |  insecure. Devout members know that and count on it both to
 |  drive you away if you are too dangerous, or to shame you
 |  back into activity if you're uncertain (which is almost
 |  always the case when one first begins to peek behind the
 |  forbidden curtains).
 |
 |  There is much guilt carefully embedded in powerful rhetoric
 |  in authoritarian systems to keep people toeing the line.
 |  Attitudes are deeply ingrained that assure members that
 |  Post-Mormons never leave the church for legitimate reasons.
 |  In a classic projection, devout Mormons assume the doctrinal
 |  issues raised by a Post-Mormon are an illusion, hiding
 |  serious sins. That serves two purposes: first, they don't
 |  need to pay any attention to your logic, because it is a
 |  sham; and second, they can shake their heads and wag their
 |  fingers at you, having faith you'll respond with guilt and
 |  eventual repentance. That's why you rarely have devout
 |  members ask you why you left the church, they already know.
 |
 |  This is both annoying and humorous. It can be heart-breaking
 |  when those we love do it to us. But I believe it is
 |  important to work towards knowing ourselves and gaining a
 |  strong identity, thereby increasing feelings of genuine
 |  self-worth and an internal locus of control. As we do that,
 |  and understand why our former friends treat us with
 |  suspicion, we can learn to let them, without guilt or even
 |  ill feelings.
 |
 |  It's important to remember that we are not better than
 |  devout Mormons, but have taken a different pathway for our
 |  own reasons. And especially if people with an external locus
 |  of control try to shame us, we need to recognize that we are
 |  different. We have left the collective and are on our own.
 |  Usually, no amount of explaining, nor the most incredibly
 |  sound logic, will sway a devout member to quit looking at us
 |  with that pained, "I know your sins," sort of look. So let
 |  them have their incorrect beliefs about us. We need not feel
 |  defensive.
 |
 |  One definition of arrogance is the belief we are better than
 |  someone else and as a consequence deserve special rights. I
 |  have a devout friend who feels that way. He is very critical
 |  of me, but becomes very offended when I am critical of him
 |  or the brethren. Although I respect his beliefs, I have some
 |  trouble respecting his lack of respect for me. And yet, if I
 |  truly want to transcend the most negative parts of
 |  Mormonism, I must allow him to place his unequal
 |  expectations on me. Then my defensiveness fades as I rise
 |  above it altruistically.
 |
 |  We are whom we are out of a sense of identity and a growing
 |  internal locus of control. We have transcended the church. I
 |  believe we can change the system, not by aggressive,
 |  competitive coercion, but by truly changing ourselves. As we
 |  rise above the framework carefully constructed to maintain
 |  power and control over members, we not only become
 |  impervious to it ourselves, but place some devout members in
 |  a position where they will realize that somehow their ideas
 |  about us, whom we are, and what we are about, are wrong.
 |  Thinking creatively, independently, is the antithesis of
 |  authoritarianism and will eventually weaken it, without
 |  willful hands. The weakening of authoritarianism will result
 |  in more peace, greater spirituality and most important, a
 |  reduction in crimes against people and property. In my
 |  opinion, that's a noble goal, and there is no reason to feel
 |  defensive about it.
 |
 |  handylanny@yahoo.com
 |
 |
 |  (In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this
 |  material is distributed without profit to those who have
 |  expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
 |  information for research and educational purposes.)
 |______________________________________________________________



Harold O. (Lanny) Monson; The Enigma of the LDS Church as a Force for Good:
 _______________________________________________________________
 |
 |  http://post-mormons.com/the_enigma.htm
 |
 |
 |  The Enigma of the LDS Church as a Force for Good
 |
 |  Lanny Monson
 |
 |  If indeed the LDS church is the one true religion on earth,
 |  despite all the imperfections of the mortals that run it,
 |  and the members who attempt to follow its teachings, is it
 |  fair to assume that the practices and doctrines in it would
 |  produce people who are comparatively more healthy than other
 |  people?
 |
 |  It seems to me that those same characteristics developed in
 |  their people, should have a positive effect on those living
 |  near them, creating a sort of utopia that fades as you move
 |  further away from its core. Instead, there are statistics
 |  which suggest Utah (approximately 70% LDS by church reports
 |  statistically related to the last Census) lags behind in
 |  many important areas that seem to be related to levels of
 |  unconditional love and forbearance in the family and with
 |  each other. Instead of showing a positive effect, the
 |  statistics imply that negative effects are being produced
 |  which create some serious social issues in Utah which fade
 |  as you move further away from that core.
 |
 |  It is difficult simplifying a complex topic to counteract
 |  the rhetoric from the brethren over the pulpit in the last
 |  few years stating, "All is well in Zion, yea, Zion
 |  prospereth, all is well!" As a victim advocate, this mantra
 |  is similar to comments I have heard from abusive people:
 |  They effectively reconstrue issues to make themselves look
 |  good when they've been doing bad things.
 |
 |  My only point in presenting these statistics to you is to
 |  let the carefully guarded secret out of the closet:
 |  Something is amiss in Zion, and the people who can fix it,
 |  don't want to know about it. Is that alarming to you? It is
 |  to me. I tried for 15 years to get them to let me sit down
 |  with them and help them understand the ways they were
 |  inadvertently contributing to the cover-up of sexual and
 |  physical abuse in the church. I did that altruistically,
 |  without asking for anything in return. They never invited me
 |  to do so.
 |
 |  I do this hoping that indirectly I can find a way to get the
 |  brethren to accept the fact that the church needs to do some
 |  introspection and real housecleaning to help victims and
 |  increase church emphasis on agency among the members. If
 |  it's done properly, that will result in a less polished
 |  appearance but a more honest and safe church. (It is ironic
 |  that although they are one of the chief contributors to The
 |  Boy Scouts of America, they seem to have not read Baden
 |  Powell's comments about a "good" scout troop and how it
 |  functions.) Here are the statistics:
 |
 |  During the year 2001, in the State of Utah, I counted 25
 |  homicide victims who died as a result of domestic violence,
 |  including 4 people who were trying to protect the victim (I
 |  define domestic violence homicides as murders committed by
 |  husbands, boyfriends or ex-spouses against their intimate
 |  partners or people trying to protect them). Not included
 |  were 8 suicides of perpetrators and 5 child abuse homicides,
 |  (two of the latter were included, they were primary targets
 |  by a father angry at their mother. He shot them both, one 20
 |  months one 8 months). The perpetrators were all men. If I
 |  only included wives, or girlfriends, there were 16 deaths,
 |  all of them women. (Deseret News, January 1, 2002)
 |
 |  In another article the same day, 26 homicides are listed
 |  which relate to domestic violence (interpretation is
 |  sometimes a little fuzzy, since depending on definitions,
 |  domestic violence homicides can be confused with others).
 |  There is also a graphic in that article showing percentage
 |  of domestic violence homicides in ratio to total homicides
 |  on the rise in Utah. The average since 1991 is 30.95% of all
 |  homicides being domestic violence related, in 2001 we rose
 |  to 40.63%.
 |
 |  Here's a graph I created that shows the % increase:
 |
 |  [ This Editor looked at the graph and saw these values:
 |  1991:  29,  1992:  35,  1993:  34,  1994:  30,  1995:  29,
 |  1996:  26,  1997:  19,  1998:  35,  1999:  28,  2000:  34,
 |  2001:  40   -- Leif Erlingsson, edited text-only version. ]
 |
 |  Another fact that makes this information more disturbing is
 |  that in the past two decades, "Murders of ex-spouses
 |  accounted for about 1 out of every 200 murders that occurred
 |  nationwide." ("Violence by Intimates: analysis of data on
 |  crimes by current or former spouses, boyfriends and
 |  girlfriends" US Department of Justice, revised 5/29/98).
 |  This year alone, in Utah, our rate is 12.5 times that
 |  amount. While the rate of domestic violence is dropping
 |  nationally (Ibid) it is rising in Utah.
 |
 |  I have a deep personal concern about the rates of adolescent
 |  suicide. In 1999 Utah ranked 15th in the Nation in total
 |  suicides (all ages, American Association of Suicidolgy --
 |  this figure bounces around some, but we are always in the
 |  top 25). For the years 1989-1998, suicide was the second
 |  most common cause of death for Utah children in age
 |  categories 10-14 and 15-24. (Tragically, in 1998, among
 |  young Utah adults from 25-34 suicide was the MOST common
 |  cause of death). Nationally, during that same time period,
 |  in the age categories 10-14, 15-24 and 25-34, suicide is the
 |  fourth, third and fourth leading cause of death,
 |  respectively (National Center for Injury Prevention and
 |  Control).
 |
 |  Here are some of the interesting things I noticed about High
 |  School kids from the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report,
 |  "Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, 1999" June 9, 2000
 |  (comparing the 33 states for which data were available,
 |  weighted and unweighted):
 |
 |    *  Of those seriously considering suicide, Utah girls tied
 |  with sixth place out of 33 states reporting; boys ranked
 |  10th out of the 33.
 |
 |    *  Of those using alcohol tobacco and marijuana, Utah was
 |  dead last of all states reporting, in a powerfully
 |  significant way. (Not surprising, but nice)
 |
 |    *  Of those using heroin, Utah girls were third highest
 |  out of 33 states, boys were tied with sixth lowest.
 |
 |    *  Of steroid use, Utah girls were fifth highest in the
 |  nation, boys were ninth from the lowest.
 |
 |    *  There were no data available from Utah regarding sexual
 |  abuse and rape. (My experience with the church and with
 |  State authorities who seem to be influenced by the church,
 |  is that we have something to hide.)
 |
 |    *  Considering the percentage of students who were at risk
 |  of being overweight, Utah girls were second from last (9.3%
 |  of Utah girls were at risk compared to a National average of
 |  14.4%). Utah boys were dead last (11% compared to 17.5%).
 |  (So much for the jokes about fat BYU coeds) This sounds
 |  good, but there is a frightening anomaly I referred to
 |  before:
 |
 |    *  Of students who exercised to lose weight, Utah boys
 |  were dead last by a significant margin. Of course! They're
 |  skinny, why do they need to lose weight? (National average
 |  of the percentage of boys exercising to lose weight: 49.5%,
 |  Utah boys: 37.1%) So it seems that the same thing should
 |  apply to girls, who are also nearly the skinniest in the
 |  nation. Yet the national average of percentage of High
 |  School girls exercising to lose weight was 67.4%. In Utah,
 |  it was 79.7%.
 |
 |    *  Luckily, our girls statistically do not vomit and take
 |  laxatives as frequently as the national average (they rank
 |  tenth from last)
 |
 |    *  On the positive side, Utah leaves any competition in
 |  vigorous physical activity in the dust. 72.7% of Utah girls
 |  engage in it, and 81.3% of the boys. That compares with the
 |  national average of 57.1% for girls and 72.3% for boys. Utah
 |  boys and girls both are easily first out of 33 states
 |  reporting.
 |
 |    *  Additionally, a much higher percentage of Utah girls
 |  and boys watch less than 2 hours of TV a day than
 |  nationally. Again, they are easily first in the nation.
 |  (national percentage of girls watching less than 2 hours a
 |  school day: 59%; boys: 55.5%. Utah girls: 82.3%; boys:
 |  79.7%)
 |
 |  As you glance over the statistics above, do you notice the
 |  odd discrepancies between girls and boys? To me they
 |  strongly imply a loss-of-personal-control among the girls.
 |  They study harder, work harder to lose weight and are more
 |  depressed and suicidal. Women have many fewer rights in the
 |  church than men, and are put in a position to please men
 |  more than nationally, I believe based on my experience with
 |  the church. Boys have more control in the church. I can see
 |  some of the symptoms of that reflected in the statistics
 |  above. Since Utah won't release statistics on sexual abuse,
 |  I had to look elsewhere for those.
 |
 |  The following is from the "National Center on Child Abuse
 |  Prevention Research":
 |
 |  That same strange anomaly shown in the graph above exists in
 |  Utah for child abuse in 1997 and 1999. Whereas nationally
 |  there has been a tendency for reports to level off or even
 |  drop slightly, in Utah between 1996-1997 there was an 11%
 |  increase and again between 1998-1999 there was a 15%
 |  increase. The average increase among those states reporting
 |  that year was 1.6%. Other Western states showed a lesser
 |  sort of this same anomaly, but it was not reflected
 |  generally in the United States. Utah though showed a more
 |  dramatic increase than any other State reporting other than
 |  Vermont. (Texas shows a slower, but more powerful increase
 |  than any other State reporting.)
 |
 |  From 1989-1992, nationally there was an increase from
 |  38/1000 reported cases of child maltreatment to 45/1000.
 |  That alarmed people, and I personally was one of them.
 |  Individual, State and National efforts were increased and
 |  the rate stabilized and from 1992 to 1999 it has only risen
 |  to 46/1000 reported cases of child maltreatment ("Current
 |  Trends in Child Abuse Prevention Reporting and Fatalities:
 |  The 1999 Fifty State Survey" National Center on Child Abuse
 |  Prevention Research, Revised August 28, 2001) I can't
 |  compare reports of child maltreatment directly, but I can
 |  discuss the pattern of maltreatment. This relatively
 |  constant pattern is not shared by Utah. In an article
 |  published January 18, child abuse and neglect victims rose
 |  from approximately 8,400 to more than 9,000 in the year
 |  2000. The State population of children is approximately
 |  719,080 (derived from
 |  http://quickfacts.census.gove/qfd/states/49000.html). That
 |  means in 1999 12/1000 children were actually victimized by
 |  their families and in 2000 it rose to 13 (Note: reports of
 |  maltreatment are much higher than substantiated cases).
 |  Remember that the year before (from 1998 to 1999) there had
 |  been a 15% increase in reports of maltreatment in Utah
 |  (Fifty State Survey) which was second to highest of states
 |  reporting these statistics.
 |
 |  Out of nine states with a similar population (States with
 |  larger populations are notorious for higher crime rates)
 |  Utah was second to worst in number of crimes per 1,000
 |  people at 55.1 per 1,000. The highest was New Mexico with
 |  67.2 and the lowest was West Virginia with 25.5 (1999 BCI
 |  Crimebook, taken from the United Way assessment of crime in
 |  Utah valley, 2001)
 |
 |  An interesting statistic to me from the United Way Survey of
 |  Utah county was when the residents were asked to list the
 |  three greatest community strengths, Living environment,
 |  people, community and family were well ahead of "church." In
 |  fact, only "schools" were thought of as being less of a
 |  strength. That surprises me. I wonder if the trust in the
 |  church is waning in Utah? Why is it that the church is not
 |  thought of as the "greatest community strength" in an area
 |  so predominantly LDS?
 |
 |  I've tried to give an overview of some of the statistics
 |  available. Child and spouse protection is relatively new in
 |  issues of interest among US citizens. I thank the media for
 |  being interested in it, because otherwise it would remain an
 |  unpleasant secret that people generally wouldn't want to
 |  know anything about. That is changing and good people are
 |  taking more interest now.
 |
 |  I'm deeply concerned that the church resists efforts to
 |  examine these issues in it. When confronted about it they
 |  claim they are deeply interested but fear that their enemies
 |  will falsify information or misconstrue it to throw a bad
 |  light on the church. In my opinion, that obscures the fear
 |  they have at a deep level that something is wrong, and their
 |  unabated efforts to resist an investigation into it.
 |
 |  handylanny@yahoo.com
 |
 |
 |  (In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this
 |  material is distributed without profit to those who have
 |  expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
 |  information for research and educational purposes.)
 |______________________________________________________________